Ways to get past a border wall

So, we're going to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. And, according to the President Elect, Mexico will pay us back.

First a note on logic. If you have a friend that says they are going to give you money, then they move to Mexico, you are not getting that cash. Also, if you build a physical wall between you and said friend, you probably are no longer friends.

Anyway, with this in mind, I wanted to give some ideas on getting past a wall. Any wall really, or the border. Some of these have been borrowed from Wile E. Coyote.

1. Use a door. I mean, there will still be pedestrian paths and bridges to cross from one country to another. Just be sneaky if you aren't supposed to be there.

2. Use a hole. Walls have holes. Some natural, others man made. When Trump closes a door, he opens a window. Shimmy through one.

3. Go under. I found a number of shovels online for less than $10. If you are really patient, you can go the way of Andy Dufresne. Bigger shovels will save you time though. (Incidentally, I think Andy ended up in Mexico.)

4. Go over. Air travel is surprising easy since about 1903. Also, per the Coyote, large slingshots may work. Or a rocket on your back. If you are just trying to get a package across the border, consider throwing it over the wall, using a cheap drone, or latching it to an arrow, Robin Hood style.

5. Go over, part two. A 24' ladder is about $200. Rope is even cheaper. With a grapple gun you can pretend you're Batman. If you are one of those skilled climbers, pretend you are Spider-Man instead and use your bare hands.

6. Go around. You'd have to sail for several feet at either end of the wall. Or swim. Use a floatie, in the US we have ones that look like large donuts. Or walk in the ankle deep water.

7. Paint a door. I doubt this one works, but you know, Coyote.

8. Drive. Got a truck? You can drive through things with them. Even walls.

9. Offer to pay for the wall. Bring a bad check. The President has lots. Get a seat on the cabinet while you're in country.

10. Just walk. Cinder blocks are a buck or two. Eight inches tall, which makes a convenient step and they stack easily. For about $1000 you could build a decent staircase going up. Rappel down the other side though, I doubt we'd let you leave the descending stairs.

Can I beat a robot?

Seriously. Not in the physical sense. Current robots are no match for me, but the Terminator era is on the rise. Is it legal to beat your automated pal? #AskingForAFriend

I'm not really asking for a friend. I'm asking on behalf of humanity. Recently a guy in Japan kicked a robot while he was drunk. The robot does not walk as well and it's internal computer may have been damaged. You could say he crippled it and gave it brain damage.

This raises so many philosophical questions for me, I can't begin to list them all. But I'll try anyway.

Is it more wrong for me to hit a humanoid robot? 
Assuming a robot (not a big fan of that term) is just a machine, how is it different than a toaster? Thanks to BSG for that reference. Hitting your toaster means mild anger issues. Hitting Rosie the Robot means you have much more violence based emotional problems.

Not all robots are humanoid though...
What if it is the Doctor's K9? Or a Felinoid companion? Or R2 D2? Think about it, without giggling please. I am assuming you are familiar with Star Wars. If not, invest a few hours, catch up, and continue reading here. Imagine you had a fully functional R2 D2 at work. All beeps, bobbles and quirks included. A client/customer comes in and angrily beats R2 for poor service. Would you keep working with them? File charges? Hit them back?

Should there be a middle ground between hitting a human and damaging property?
The above linked article mentions such a middle ground. It sounds like a great solution, on its face. Getting angry and beating your neighbor's dog because it crapped in your yard is a lesser offense than beating your neighbor, but a greater offense than flinging the crap at their house.

 I fear we would be creating an environment where Turing Test capable (dare I say sentient!) machines in the future are second class citizens. Treated similarly to pets. Get me a little tipsy and I will go on my tirade about how Star Wars treats droids. We don't allow their kind in here. I don't recall ever owning a droid. These are owned sentient beings that can have their memory wiped without a second thought. Will we be remembered for a Three-Fifths compromise of sorts, because we lacked the forethought to imagine that someday machine intelligence may (at least) be indistinguishable from our own?

What about robots designed for violent purposes?
I train in karate. I'm not even half bad, and an awfully large man on top of it. When I hit you, you know it. Therefore, even my sparring partners who willingly train with me (while I am only trying to basically tag them) tend to regret it afterwards. It stands to reason someone will build a sparring droid. Even though it has no choice in the matter (unlike my fellow students) will it be exempt so that I may kick it in the face?

Other robots are built for much more violent purposes. War. I can treat war differently, right? If my soldier shoots the semi-intelligent drone trying to ferret out his location, that is just survival. But what if I wipe them all out with an EMP blast? Am I defending myself or creating a new kind of genocide? Is it a war crime?

Did I give unfair consideration to robots?
Earlier in this post I said the assaulted robot "Pepper" was crippled and had brain damage. I was absolutely intentionally anthropomorphizing a machine to give emotional weight to my argument. And at some point I should. At this stage of their evolution, it is probably unfair to say a machine can be injured. This will not always be the case. The classic TNG episode Measure of a Man addresses this future concern. I've even argued the episode's best speech is a call to reconsidering how you treat all beings. Gay, Black, Straight, Vulcan, Cylon. Stop considering yourself better than others.

What about a compromise based on intelligence?
It is okay to hit a humanoid robot if it has the intelligence of a flea? That will be an argument. If it isn't as intelligent as Commander Data, it's just property. Who draws that line? I am more intelligent than many people. Can I hit them? Ignoring that absurdity and bringing it to a more realistic level. It is not okay to beat or kill a person with an IQ of 50, no matter what your IQ is.

I remember reading that an average dog is basically as smart as an average 2 year old. (Knowledgeable is a better term though.) And it is not okay to beat a dog or a two year old. Last year, the dog I had for nearly 15 years of my life died. Sad as it is, that's about all the time we get with them. And at some point I think we may have machines that are as much family to us. Somewhere far above your car, but below your child. Just keep in mind, liking my family more than your family is a human survival instinct. And I think robots may someday be part of our families.

What about nonviolence and crimes involving robots?
Sex robots exist. What might that be like in a decade? If I steal one and use it is that theft? Kidnapping? Rape? In fact, can they ever give consent? Can I program consent?

Conversely, can I program an intelligent robot to commit a crime? Can I brainwash a human to commit a crime? Can I create a human the old fashioned way and either intentionally or unintentionally raise a criminal?

There are more questions here than I have asked. I sincerely apologize for not having the answers. I'm only human.

Ready for Hillary

I wanted to stop ranting about superheroes and various unimportant issues for a moment to rant about Hillary Clinton.

Let me start with her opening ad. Hopefully you saw it. I watched it the first time with my fiancee, and then we looked at each other and said, "what was that?" It was different. It was Americans. Not just white Americans, not just heterosexual Americans, just people from all walks of life. It was us.

Some time later I saw her campaign logo.

Simple. Not as stylized as President Obama's. An arrow pointing to the future, co-opting the red right from the Republican Party. It could have been done in Paint. Someone will eventually come along and make a version with the arrow pointing down- because trying to shame a symbol works so well.

I imagine all the backroom chatter from staunch conservatives will have much more to do with her gender- not openly of course. Just a little under the table. You will hear terms like "bitch" thrown out that would never be used on a male candidate. Which is fine, they called Obama worse. Ultimately, there is going to be a lot of upset over her having a vagina.

They may fire a few shots at former President Clinton. Which would have been appalling if it was any First Lady ever. Can you imagine people trying to shame Laura Bush? (Or George through her?) By now you've gotten used to it from the Republican side with Michelle Obama though.

They will say her name with a sneer, Hillary.That's fine by me to. She chose to run by that name. Hillary. Others have used their first name when running, or even nicknames. It does nothing to lessen her. I do like Ike, I'm glad Harry gave 'em hell.

Eight years as a Senator- actually relatively junior. Four more as Secretary of State. That's good, but I've seen better. The claims as to her being the most qualified are unimportant to me. When Bill Clinton ran, I think the more qualified person was George H.W. Bush. Nevertheless, President Clinton was the right person. Kennedy, same story. Now Hillary is the right person for America.

Eight Facts you probably didn't know about Reindeer

It's the season of giving so I thought I'd share these. I'm sure some of them are true.

1. Reindeer can see light wavelengths shorter than humans. So Rudolph's nose wasn't the reason he could see on that dark and stormy night. It is also the reason why so many reindeer are used in black ops missions.

2. In honor of Rudolph, the official reindeer martial art considers red to be the top belt. There is a movie popularizing it starring Lorenzo Lamas called Blood Rein: RudeWolf.

3. Despite her name (or maybe because of it!), Vixen once considered joining a convent.

4. The famous poem refers to "eight tiny reindeer" even though adult males can weigh as much as 700 pounds. This is because Santa hoards food. Some say this is the reason the Arctic subspecies of reindeer is extinct.

5. Reindeer and Caribou are the same thing. They don't drink coffee, but if you are in a Caribou Coffee, you can order a snowdrift. Because I am not telling you what that is, anything they bring you will be fine.

6. They can run up to 50 mph. But they can fly faster than sound when they think Santa is going to eat them.

7. Rudolph drank a lot. His nose probably started as just slightly pink, until he was really lit.

8. Reindeer have terrible table manners. They are rude to other reindeer with physical disfigurements. In general, they are not good Christmas guests.

Second Amendment Solution

I have a solution to a bunch of problems, killing several birds with one stone. Conservative men are upset that not enough people are walking around with guns all the time. (I think this is their argument- really most of it is a little unintelligible to me.) Women are worried that we live in a rape culture, and if they bare their arms (or midriffs, etc), they may be a target for rape and harassment. Liberals would like more background checks for guns and better security when mental health is a question.

Here is what we need to do. Openly carry firearms if you meet the following criteria.

1. Clean Background check. With a wait period. If you need a gun RIGHT now, you need a minute to collect your thoughts.
2. No history of mental illness. We will make that part of the background check.
3. A training period, age limit, and test- similar to getting a driver's license. A gun is as dangerous as a car.
4. Mandatory gun owners' insurance. Just like a car. Killing someone causes some expense!
5. Finally, and this one is important, you must be a woman.

The "Men need guns to be manly" objection.

I am sure some people will be upset with my final condition. I am not saying you can't own a gun if you are a man. But carrying in public will be for women. One in five women have been sexually assaulted. 99% of rapists are men. More than 90% of victims are women. (Yes I know these numbers change if you count prison rape- my argument is not to arm prisoners.)

Think of it this way. I walk outside at night. Alone. Wearing whatever is comfortable. Unarmed and unafraid. Some people think they need to carry a gun in Chipotle, I think this is a bit cowardly. The most dangerous thing there is the food. We have seen a few instances where this occurs in baby food aisles and other seemingly low risk locations. Honestly guys. Why so afraid?

If someone attacks me in the grocery store, I can throw a can of green beans. Let's see. 12 ounces, 50 mph- about half the joules delivered as a .22LR. (And no wait period on canned goods.) But if locally sourced weapons are not an okay option for men, I am willing to concede. Men's right to bear arms will include swords not less than 48 inches long and weighing no less that 40 ounces. Swing that sucker with two hands in emergencies.

Men also want "their" women and children to be protected. Solved. Arm the moms, the girlfriends, the loved ones. Women have reason to fear and we can make that go away. If every sane and law-abiding woman I saw on the street was armed and trained in the use of that weapon, I would not fear one bit for my own life.

The "I need my guns in case the government goes nuts" objection.

Some people think they need their guns to overthrow tyrannical dictators. Fair deal. If the government goes nuts, you still have your gun- just take it out of storage. I mean, it is a tyranny after all. Not like they won't just throw you in jail for no reason anyway.

Be forewarned. I was in the military. We had Apache helicopters, F-22 Raptors, Mk 19 grenade launchers, M1A1 tanks, and the nuclear bomb (to name just the quickest few.) No number of shotguns makes you capable of holding your own against our trained soldiers.

The "This is unconstitutional" objection.

The constitution (Article V) says we can change the constitution. If you think women are being given an advantage, consider maybe some sort of equal rights amendment? What exact part of the constitution is being violated here anyway?

Wait! There is still training, wait periods and background checks? Unless you want insane, criminal, untrained people walking around with weapons, this is not a problem.

The "Who are you to decide this" objection.
I am not deciding. Suggesting. Who I am: White male. With daughters. Former military. Decent shot. Good swordsman. Those are my biases.

How to be a Man

No one ever, not even Chuck Norris, was born a man. He once described himself as a shy kid who never excelled at anything in school. Bruce Wayne was a stuffy rich kid whose parents died. Even Captain Kirk, well maybe there are exceptions. Something happens to people in these coming of age stories where they realize it is time to be an adult. And thanks to too many movies, adult males are waiting for something that will likely never happen. No life altering event will make you more manly.

To become something you must do that thing. We are what we do. The cliche is "fake it 'til you make it," but the truth is there as well. Aristotle told us that to have a virtue you must act as though you have that virtue, then it will be yours. So if you keep acting honestly you will become honest. Want to be a runner? Run. It is time to be more manly- act like it.

But what are those traits you should be developing? So many- let's break them down.

You should be able to defend yourself and others. Not just physically, but that is of course the case. No woman wants a man who cries if he gets sucker punched in a bar. I can punch through several inches of wood, in the case an Ent ever attacks me. You also need to be able to defend yourself verbally. This comes into play often in life. Wit is important, but so is being right.

Your actions should set an example for others. When you saw the first Chuck Norris reference you had a role model for manliness. I imagine you have others. They can absolutely be fictional. You aren't fictional. If a child was going to look up to you, why would they? Fairness. Honesty. Courage. Strength. Wisdom... Whatever combination of traits you think are the ones that should be represented, you should be representing. Be the best you.

Keep your stuff clean. Do you think Steve McQueen's car was littered with McDonald's wrappers? Did Bruce Lee's house have a roach problem? NO. Yes, this makes you more attractive to women as well. My college apartment always had one clean room- my bedroom. My roommates may not have worried about a woman coming over a second time, but I sure did.

What comes out of your mouth should be trusted. Keep your promises. Tell the truth. Don't gossip. Again, how ridiculous is the image of Theodore Roosevelt saying, "Did you see what he was wearing?" The idea of of the strong, silent type is better than the catty, dishonest type. If what you have to add isn't true and valuable, keep your mouth shut.

Don't be helpless. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, make life happen for you. Drive your success. Fix that flat tire. Do some damn sit-ups. Go for a run. Asking for help is not weakness, refusal to help yourself absolutely is. It is weak and slovenly. No one owes you anything.

Be passionate. Men care about something other than themselves. That is passion. Women go weak for artists, musicians, poets, and others who show their passion. Trust me, it isn't because they are weepy and emotional- that is not passion. Your passion could be saving the environment or drawing nudes or medieval literature. It almost doesn't matter (it shouldn't be coloring.)

Use your brain. Dumb mistakes, a lack of humor, an inability to read- these are the traits of drunk mice. Everyone, wants people around them who are intelligent. It doesn't mean you have to go out there and learn loop quantum gravity. Just think. Think before you act. Think while you act.

Treat others with respect. Not fawning adoration. Just respect- at least until they prove unworthy. This goes for yourself as well. You are also worthy of respect- go out and earn it. Self confidence and a level of esteem comes from respecting yourself. Once upon a time I was not confident in my ability to speak in public. I was young, tall, intelligent, well read and spoken- yet did not respect those traits enough to have the confidence to stand up in front of a group of strangers. Fortunately, a woman I had a terrible crush on in high school corrected my thinking.

Many of my fiancee's friends have commented on how manly I am. They usually ask what has happened and why aren't men that way anymore. Culturally, I will place the blame in a future entry. The truth is, I behaved as a man until everyone (including me) saw me that way. It can become a habit, which is fine. It isn't a character trait- it is repeated action. Stop waiting for it to happen to you.

Revenge of the Sixth

In this internet obsessed society, we can't just have a little fun with something as simple as May the Fourth (be with you) anymore. While a lot of nerds were enjoying Star Wars day, a few people were explaining what was wrong with the movies and vision of George Lucas. Personally, I found their lack of faith disturbing. So I will do what many people do online, anonymously* respond to the well thought out writings and make fun of them for it.

To address a common complaint, (okay mentioned in both articles I read) Star Wars did not ruin Science Fiction. It isn't even in that genre. Seriously. It is a fantasy. A fairy tale. The knights carry swords. They rescue princesses. There are good and evil wizards. Krayt Dragons. Quests. Pirates. Ghosts. It just happens to have a setting in space. Not real space of course. Space where TIE fighters whiz by quite audibly, gravity is constant on every planet and asteroid, and the planets all consist of a single sub-ecosystem. Terminator, Quantum Leap, and Blade Runner are all set on Earth. Space does not equal science fiction.

Star Wars does not represent a better future and view of humanity. First, Star Wars is not set in the future. The moral implications of each are worthy of quite the discussion. (Another day, another blog.) Star Trek is absolutely forward thinking. It often tries to show how petty our racism, greed, violence and darker side can be by taking those very elements, turning them sideways and showing them back to us. And Star Wars is almost religious in its desire to show us the triumph good over evil. We are given examples and explanation of what makes good behavior. Captain Kirk and Obi Wan both influenced my sense of ethics.

Star Wars made people think Sci Fi is a bloated genre of shoot outs at high noon and endless wars. The argument basically goes, "Sci Fi should be about exploration, internally and externally." Firefly, Star Trek, and about a million other pieces of Sci Fi feature armed conflict. So what.

Star Wars is not all about toy sales. In fact, the success of the first movie was so surprising Kenner couldn't even keep up with demand. Now, you can make a Star Wars measuring cup and have it sell out. This is a simple problem of success. Movies are about making money. Why are we so upset when something we don't like is successful? You vote with your dollars. If a movie appeals to children there will be toys. If the movie did its job, they will sell many toys. We can argue that a true artistic vision is not about money, but until the socialist universe of Star Trek actually arrives, cash is king.

I think Pokeman makes a lot of money. Maybe it is Science Fiction. Maybe it is terrible. I don't know and I don't care. Let's be done trying to make people feel bad for liking the things that make them happy.