How to ACTUALLY build relationships

I have seen dozens of articles, usually meant for salespeople, on how to build better relationships for success. I agree; success comes from relationships. But the advice includes tidbits like:

"Know your goals"
"Articulate your needs to others"
"Update others on your career success"
"Diversify your network"

Is it just me (no) or are all of those about how to make yourself the center of attention? That is not how to build a relationship, that's how to score a one night stand. And that is an entirely different blog post.

It's a fact: when someone connects with you strongly you like them more and will do more to help them. And if it wasn't a fact before, now this unsubstantiated claim will pave the way. But really, this is the very basis of friendship and family. Connection. Unsurprisingly, much of that connection comes from paying attention.

Look at the person with whom you are speaking. Not at your phone. Nor the clock, the television, whatever distraction is temporarily more important. And look at them with your whole body. Turn towards them. Really direct your attention. Here is a newsflash about important people. They don't need to look at their phone every few seconds. That is a task for an underling. Even without an underling to do so, very little on the other end of a phone requires constant attention.

Here is a related newsflash about being manly. Remember that action movie/western with the real macho hero who had his face buried in a phone? No? It doesn't exist. Neither does the one with the intriguing starlet who just couldn't look up.

I see that fake smile. I am an avid people watcher, and here is something most of you do. You smile when you see someone you know. Or want to know. As soon as they can't see your face, the smile dissolves. That feels insincere to me. Hold onto that smile for a bit. If your face muscles are too tired to do so, consider staying home you lazy scruff. I will go back to the movies for an example. When the two stars realize the other likes them and they smile as they walk away- it doesn't instantly revert to the stony facade they think is necessary to navigate life. Pay attention to this little thing and your life will be happier.

If I notice it, others do as well.

Remember stuff. You know the phrase, (S)he doesn't even know I exist? That's how people feel when you remember nothing of them. Consider these three options:

Heya, how's your, uhm, kids?
Hi buddy, how's your daughter?
Hi Joe, how's your daughter, Stephanie? Did she get that scholarship?

Which (assuming you had a daughter named Stephanie) makes you feel as if the person asking the question really listens to you? In order each shows I like you more and more. Include names, of the person and  the connection. Our minds are connection machines, build on existing networks in their brain.

I frequently hear the excuse, "well my memory just isn't good enough for that." Suck it up. Get better.

It's that easy. Pay attention to the other person. Value the other person. That is how a relationship is built, not on your goals.