Eight Facts you probably didn't know about Reindeer

It's the season of giving so I thought I'd share these. I'm sure some of them are true.

1. Reindeer can see light wavelengths shorter than humans. So Rudolph's nose wasn't the reason he could see on that dark and stormy night. It is also the reason why so many reindeer are used in black ops missions.

2. In honor of Rudolph, the official reindeer martial art considers red to be the top belt. There is a movie popularizing it starring Lorenzo Lamas called Blood Rein: RudeWolf.

3. Despite her name (or maybe because of it!), Vixen once considered joining a convent.

4. The famous poem refers to "eight tiny reindeer" even though adult males can weigh as much as 700 pounds. This is because Santa hoards food. Some say this is the reason the Arctic subspecies of reindeer is extinct.

5. Reindeer and Caribou are the same thing. They don't drink coffee, but if you are in a Caribou Coffee, you can order a snowdrift. Because I am not telling you what that is, anything they bring you will be fine.

6. They can run up to 50 mph. But they can fly faster than sound when they think Santa is going to eat them.

7. Rudolph drank a lot. His nose probably started as just slightly pink, until he was really lit.

8. Reindeer have terrible table manners. They are rude to other reindeer with physical disfigurements. In general, they are not good Christmas guests.

Second Amendment Solution

I have a solution to a bunch of problems, killing several birds with one stone. Conservative men are upset that not enough people are walking around with guns all the time. (I think this is their argument- really most of it is a little unintelligible to me.) Women are worried that we live in a rape culture, and if they bare their arms (or midriffs, etc), they may be a target for rape and harassment. Liberals would like more background checks for guns and better security when mental health is a question.

Here is what we need to do. Openly carry firearms if you meet the following criteria.

1. Clean Background check. With a wait period. If you need a gun RIGHT now, you need a minute to collect your thoughts.
2. No history of mental illness. We will make that part of the background check.
3. A training period, age limit, and test- similar to getting a driver's license. A gun is as dangerous as a car.
4. Mandatory gun owners' insurance. Just like a car. Killing someone causes some expense!
5. Finally, and this one is important, you must be a woman.

The "Men need guns to be manly" objection.

I am sure some people will be upset with my final condition. I am not saying you can't own a gun if you are a man. But carrying in public will be for women. One in five women have been sexually assaulted. 99% of rapists are men. More than 90% of victims are women. (Yes I know these numbers change if you count prison rape- my argument is not to arm prisoners.)

Think of it this way. I walk outside at night. Alone. Wearing whatever is comfortable. Unarmed and unafraid. Some people think they need to carry a gun in Chipotle, I think this is a bit cowardly. The most dangerous thing there is the food. We have seen a few instances where this occurs in baby food aisles and other seemingly low risk locations. Honestly guys. Why so afraid?

If someone attacks me in the grocery store, I can throw a can of green beans. Let's see. 12 ounces, 50 mph- about half the joules delivered as a .22LR. (And no wait period on canned goods.) But if locally sourced weapons are not an okay option for men, I am willing to concede. Men's right to bear arms will include swords not less than 48 inches long and weighing no less that 40 ounces. Swing that sucker with two hands in emergencies.

Men also want "their" women and children to be protected. Solved. Arm the moms, the girlfriends, the loved ones. Women have reason to fear and we can make that go away. If every sane and law-abiding woman I saw on the street was armed and trained in the use of that weapon, I would not fear one bit for my own life.

The "I need my guns in case the government goes nuts" objection.

Some people think they need their guns to overthrow tyrannical dictators. Fair deal. If the government goes nuts, you still have your gun- just take it out of storage. I mean, it is a tyranny after all. Not like they won't just throw you in jail for no reason anyway.

Be forewarned. I was in the military. We had Apache helicopters, F-22 Raptors, Mk 19 grenade launchers, M1A1 tanks, and the nuclear bomb (to name just the quickest few.) No number of shotguns makes you capable of holding your own against our trained soldiers.

The "This is unconstitutional" objection.

The constitution (Article V) says we can change the constitution. If you think women are being given an advantage, consider maybe some sort of equal rights amendment? What exact part of the constitution is being violated here anyway?

Wait! There is still training, wait periods and background checks? Unless you want insane, criminal, untrained people walking around with weapons, this is not a problem.

The "Who are you to decide this" objection.
I am not deciding. Suggesting. Who I am: White male. With daughters. Former military. Decent shot. Good swordsman. Those are my biases.

How to be a Man

No one ever, not even Chuck Norris, was born a man. He once described himself as a shy kid who never excelled at anything in school. Bruce Wayne was a stuffy rich kid whose parents died. Even Captain Kirk, well maybe there are exceptions. Something happens to people in these coming of age stories where they realize it is time to be an adult. And thanks to too many movies, adult males are waiting for something that will likely never happen. No life altering event will make you more manly.

To become something you must do that thing. We are what we do. The cliche is "fake it 'til you make it," but the truth is there as well. Aristotle told us that to have a virtue you must act as though you have that virtue, then it will be yours. So if you keep acting honestly you will become honest. Want to be a runner? Run. It is time to be more manly- act like it.

But what are those traits you should be developing? So many- let's break them down.

You should be able to defend yourself and others. Not just physically, but that is of course the case. No woman wants a man who cries if he gets sucker punched in a bar. I can punch through several inches of wood, in the case an Ent ever attacks me. You also need to be able to defend yourself verbally. This comes into play often in life. Wit is important, but so is being right.

Your actions should set an example for others. When you saw the first Chuck Norris reference you had a role model for manliness. I imagine you have others. They can absolutely be fictional. You aren't fictional. If a child was going to look up to you, why would they? Fairness. Honesty. Courage. Strength. Wisdom... Whatever combination of traits you think are the ones that should be represented, you should be representing. Be the best you.

Keep your stuff clean. Do you think Steve McQueen's car was littered with McDonald's wrappers? Did Bruce Lee's house have a roach problem? NO. Yes, this makes you more attractive to women as well. My college apartment always had one clean room- my bedroom. My roommates may not have worried about a woman coming over a second time, but I sure did.

What comes out of your mouth should be trusted. Keep your promises. Tell the truth. Don't gossip. Again, how ridiculous is the image of Theodore Roosevelt saying, "Did you see what he was wearing?" The idea of of the strong, silent type is better than the catty, dishonest type. If what you have to add isn't true and valuable, keep your mouth shut.

Don't be helpless. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, make life happen for you. Drive your success. Fix that flat tire. Do some damn sit-ups. Go for a run. Asking for help is not weakness, refusal to help yourself absolutely is. It is weak and slovenly. No one owes you anything.

Be passionate. Men care about something other than themselves. That is passion. Women go weak for artists, musicians, poets, and others who show their passion. Trust me, it isn't because they are weepy and emotional- that is not passion. Your passion could be saving the environment or drawing nudes or medieval literature. It almost doesn't matter (it shouldn't be coloring.)

Use your brain. Dumb mistakes, a lack of humor, an inability to read- these are the traits of drunk mice. Everyone, wants people around them who are intelligent. It doesn't mean you have to go out there and learn loop quantum gravity. Just think. Think before you act. Think while you act.

Treat others with respect. Not fawning adoration. Just respect- at least until they prove unworthy. This goes for yourself as well. You are also worthy of respect- go out and earn it. Self confidence and a level of esteem comes from respecting yourself. Once upon a time I was not confident in my ability to speak in public. I was young, tall, intelligent, well read and spoken- yet did not respect those traits enough to have the confidence to stand up in front of a group of strangers. Fortunately, a woman I had a terrible crush on in high school corrected my thinking.

Many of my fiancee's friends have commented on how manly I am. They usually ask what has happened and why aren't men that way anymore. Culturally, I will place the blame in a future entry. The truth is, I behaved as a man until everyone (including me) saw me that way. It can become a habit, which is fine. It isn't a character trait- it is repeated action. Stop waiting for it to happen to you.

Revenge of the Sixth

In this internet obsessed society, we can't just have a little fun with something as simple as May the Fourth (be with you) anymore. While a lot of nerds were enjoying Star Wars day, a few people were explaining what was wrong with the movies and vision of George Lucas. Personally, I found their lack of faith disturbing. So I will do what many people do online, anonymously* respond to the well thought out writings and make fun of them for it.

To address a common complaint, (okay mentioned in both articles I read) Star Wars did not ruin Science Fiction. It isn't even in that genre. Seriously. It is a fantasy. A fairy tale. The knights carry swords. They rescue princesses. There are good and evil wizards. Krayt Dragons. Quests. Pirates. Ghosts. It just happens to have a setting in space. Not real space of course. Space where TIE fighters whiz by quite audibly, gravity is constant on every planet and asteroid, and the planets all consist of a single sub-ecosystem. Terminator, Quantum Leap, and Blade Runner are all set on Earth. Space does not equal science fiction.

Star Wars does not represent a better future and view of humanity. First, Star Wars is not set in the future. The moral implications of each are worthy of quite the discussion. (Another day, another blog.) Star Trek is absolutely forward thinking. It often tries to show how petty our racism, greed, violence and darker side can be by taking those very elements, turning them sideways and showing them back to us. And Star Wars is almost religious in its desire to show us the triumph good over evil. We are given examples and explanation of what makes good behavior. Captain Kirk and Obi Wan both influenced my sense of ethics.

Star Wars made people think Sci Fi is a bloated genre of shoot outs at high noon and endless wars. The argument basically goes, "Sci Fi should be about exploration, internally and externally." Firefly, Star Trek, and about a million other pieces of Sci Fi feature armed conflict. So what.

Star Wars is not all about toy sales. In fact, the success of the first movie was so surprising Kenner couldn't even keep up with demand. Now, you can make a Star Wars measuring cup and have it sell out. This is a simple problem of success. Movies are about making money. Why are we so upset when something we don't like is successful? You vote with your dollars. If a movie appeals to children there will be toys. If the movie did its job, they will sell many toys. We can argue that a true artistic vision is not about money, but until the socialist universe of Star Trek actually arrives, cash is king.

I think Pokeman makes a lot of money. Maybe it is Science Fiction. Maybe it is terrible. I don't know and I don't care. Let's be done trying to make people feel bad for liking the things that make them happy.

Luke Skywalker: Spoiled Rich Kid

We grew up with this image of Luke Skywalker as poor, good-natured farm boy, at odds with the Empire- trying to save the galaxy. And it is totally false.

First, the kid's adopted parents are rich and spoiled the heck out of him. Consider the job. They are moisture farmers on a desert planet. Essentially, they produce the most needed part of life in an environment where it just can't be found. That has got to be worth something. Probably a lot.

Don't believe me? Look at the facts. Uncle Owen's father, Clegg Lars purchased a slave and subsequently married her. All other moral issues aside, that isn't cheap. Of course, I consider droids in Star Wars to be a slave race as well. Uncle Owen was purchasing a couple of those (R2 and 3PO) the day before he died. Also fairly expensive for a "in the moment" purchase. What was he going to do with an astromech droid anyway?

Luke has a landspeeder. His own flying car. Nice, right... and we can be sure it is his. He was absolutely going out "to Tosche Station to pick up power converters." Never did he have to ask to borrow the car. Droids are lost in the desert? No biggie, I'll just hop in my flying car and go looking.

So a teen with a car and likely very rich parents doesn't convince you? "I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 back home." Luke owned a jetfighter, namely a T-16 Skyhopper. A high end model with a LASER CANNON. Sure it was lightly armed, and was best for shooting six foot rats. Oh, and it could go about Mach 1 and fly out of the atmosphere. That's like buying your kid an armed helicopter. Maybe just a Cobra, but still.

Also, who goes out killing two meter womp rats for fun? That would be like driving around shooting cows and leaving them to rot.

Wait, if he had a chopper, why was he driving to find R2? Well, like a lot of spoiled rich kids, he wrecked the sports car. He was screwing around and wrecked it during a race. You see it parked in the garage in the background at the beginning of Episode IV.

So we have to admit he was spoiled. But at least he was always the good guy, right? Nope. Like dear old Daddy he was trying to join the Empire, not the Rebellion. He talks about joining the Academy and running away from the farm. The Rebellion doesn't have an Academy and he doesn't mean Hogwarts. He means the Imperial Academy. To become a pilot- because that's what his friends did.

He really goes with the flow, not really standing up for anything other than hanging out with his friends. (The kind of attachment not allowed a Jedi) They join the Imperial Academy, he wants to as well. Ben wants to save Leia, sure he will go. Blow up a moon-sized space station? If that's what you guys are doing. Sorry Yoda, I have to be done learning to be a Jedi now. My friends are calling.

I doubt he lost a minute of sleep after blowing up the Death Star. Imagine, you blow up one MILLION people. Even if 99% of them are bad people. Then you still killed ten thousand innocents. And really, it wasn't filled with Darth Vaders- just career military, contractors, janitors, hot dog vendors. No, Luke killed tens of thousands of innocent bystanders. To impress a girl.

That is a spoiled rich kid without a moral compass over-compensating if I ever heard it.

10 Life hacks for Superheroes

I keep seeing lists of life hacks. And they're great, really. Did you know you can use dental floss to cut cake neatly? I am sure that is why the dentist gives it to you in the first place. And they have so many themes. I've already mentioned one from the kitchen, but they have them for weight loss, folding sheets, your car- almost everything.

Almost.

What if you are a superpowered hero from another world? Or a nocturnal billionaire? Even a mere radiated he-man? Nothing. It's as if being exceptional should just be enough. That's superism, and I have had enough!

It isn't enough to tilt and rail online in the hopes that things change. Be the difference you want to see in the world. So for my genetic and monetarily advantaged brothers (and sisters) I give you this list.

1. Broken Taco Shells. It happens to the best of us. One bite in and now your dinner is a complete mess. Simple Solution: Fly around the world fast enough to reverse the timestream and then start over before it ever broke.

2. Cut off in traffic. On your way to dispatch villainy, when some careless jerk in his Porsche yanks in front of you. Now only a bad guy would take it out on the driver right then. Consider instead using your billions to buy the company where he works. Then move his parking spot to the back of the lot. That will teach him some humility and restore justice.

3. Candlewick is too low to light. And when you try, you get black film all over your hands and suit. Consider using your laser vision to light the wick remotely. Do this one when nobody is around. That fresh linen scent isn't worth your secret identity!

4. Eggshells are sticking to your boiled eggs. The classic solution to this is to add a little baking soda to the water as it boils. Instead of peeling the egg, you crack a little shell from each end. Using your gale force breath, blow into the smaller hole and watch the shelled egg burst free faster than  a speeding bullet.

5. Can't find your keys. Advanced studies have shown the most likely place for your keys to be is exactly where you left them. BUT somebody (sidekick) put something down on top of them, obscuring your vision. Merely use your x-ray vision to look under the clutter.

6. Can't find your invisible <whatever.> Maybe it's your jet, car, cloak, or ring. This is why they invented blind acrobat sidekicks! They never saw your invisible thing in the first place. Count on them to do something useful for once in their crime fighting career. Also, there are phone apps to help.

7. Forgot the bait? Fishing trips with the League are the best! But in a fit of irony Robin refuses to dig up the worms. Use your mental command over sea life to lure them into your boat. The only ones who know you betrayed their trust will be in the skillet tonight.

8. Car won't start. This one is always an upsetting start to the morning. Normally, you call a tow truck and sit there near tears, becoming ever more late for work, then fork over a wad of cash. From there it goes to the mechanic who charges you even more and you pay for anything he can tack on. How expensive! Don't sweat it. Pick up the car, fly it to the mechanic and continue on to work. When you go to pick it up, borrow a truth serum, lasso or mind controlling friend to ensure you are not being swindled.

9. Tangled computer cords. At best these are an eyesore. At worst, they can be a major trip and fire hazard. Line up the offending cables perfectly just once. Spray them with your web goop. They will stay in place and reduce the flies in your tiny one bedroom apartment.

10. Want to protect your valuables at the beach? Place them under an object too heavy to be lifted. If you are one of those without unlimited strength, just cover them with your super suit. Not only will your valuables be hidden, but most humans wouldn't dare steal from someone who could shred them with adamantium claws!

Many mere human life hacks can work as well. Don't be afraid to try them. But not the floss cake thing. It is overrated.