I keep seeing lists of life hacks. And they're great, really. Did you know you can use dental floss to cut cake neatly? I am sure that is why the dentist gives it to you in the first place. And they have so many themes. I've already mentioned one from the kitchen, but they have them for weight loss, folding sheets, your car- almost everything.
Almost.
What if you are a superpowered hero from another world? Or a nocturnal billionaire? Even a mere radiated he-man? Nothing. It's as if being exceptional should just be enough. That's superism, and I have had enough!
It isn't enough to tilt and rail online in the hopes that things change. Be the difference you want to see in the world. So for my genetic and monetarily advantaged brothers (and sisters) I give you this list.
1. Broken Taco Shells. It happens to the best of us. One bite in and now your dinner is a complete mess. Simple Solution: Fly around the world fast enough to reverse the timestream and then start over before it ever broke.
2. Cut off in traffic. On your way to dispatch villainy, when some careless jerk in his Porsche yanks in front of you. Now only a bad guy would take it out on the driver right then. Consider instead using your billions to buy the company where he works. Then move his parking spot to the back of the lot. That will teach him some humility and restore justice.
3. Candlewick is too low to light. And when you try, you get black film all over your hands and suit. Consider using your laser vision to light the wick remotely. Do this one when nobody is around. That fresh linen scent isn't worth your secret identity!
4. Eggshells are sticking to your boiled eggs. The classic solution to this is to add a little baking soda to the water as it boils. Instead of peeling the egg, you crack a little shell from each end. Using your gale force breath, blow into the smaller hole and watch the shelled egg burst free faster than a speeding bullet.
5. Can't find your keys. Advanced studies have shown the most likely place for your keys to be is exactly where you left them. BUT somebody (sidekick) put something down on top of them, obscuring your vision. Merely use your x-ray vision to look under the clutter.
6. Can't find your invisible <whatever.> Maybe it's your jet, car, cloak, or ring. This is why they invented blind acrobat sidekicks! They never saw your invisible thing in the first place. Count on them to do something useful for once in their crime fighting career. Also, there are phone apps to help.
7. Forgot the bait? Fishing trips with the League are the best! But in a fit of irony Robin refuses to dig up the worms. Use your mental command over sea life to lure them into your boat. The only ones who know you betrayed their trust will be in the skillet tonight.
8. Car won't start. This one is always an upsetting start to the morning. Normally, you call a tow truck and sit there near tears, becoming ever more late for work, then fork over a wad of cash. From there it goes to the mechanic who charges you even more and you pay for anything he can tack on. How expensive! Don't sweat it. Pick up the car, fly it to the mechanic and continue on to work. When you go to pick it up, borrow a truth serum, lasso or mind controlling friend to ensure you are not being swindled.
9. Tangled computer cords. At best these are an eyesore. At worst, they can be a major trip and fire hazard. Line up the offending cables perfectly just once. Spray them with your web goop. They will stay in place and reduce the flies in your tiny one bedroom apartment.
10. Want to protect your valuables at the beach? Place them under an object too heavy to be lifted. If you are one of those without unlimited strength, just cover them with your super suit. Not only will your valuables be hidden, but most humans wouldn't dare steal from someone who could shred them with adamantium claws!
Many mere human life hacks can work as well. Don't be afraid to try them. But not the floss cake thing. It is overrated.
No comments:
Post a Comment