Where do I turn when I need answers?

When we first were dating, my fiancee felt like her son should start learning to type. I said typing would start going away. Now that typing has actually started going away, this seems obvious. But back when she and I both had  BlackBerry cell phones and full keyboards were pretty standard, this was not so clear. Swype, Voice to text, gesture based word generation and even mind reading to text are all on the rise. Thus began a pattern of her asking how I think the future will unfold.

A few nights ago, the same lovely woman asked me a seemingly ridiculous question. What will religion be like in 1000 years? Spoiler alert: I have a snarky answer.

Let me begin by saying I have flown on an airplane. I did not see any bearded men in the clouds. It is my belief that this solar system was formed from a nebula four and half billion years ago (ish) and that the elements in my body come from the nucleosynthesis of an earlier generation of stars. I am star dust. The universe is an awe-inspiring, magnificent place. There are many studies which show atheists to be on average more compassionate, more intelligent, and less imprisoned than their religious peers. The latter may just mean they get caught significantly less... But Supreme Court Justice Scalia recently likened atheism to following the devil's desires.  Meaning he missed the part where we are putting religious people in jail for violating the law and evil atheists walk free among us. Though he also said that the devil is real because Jesus believed in him. To me, this is declaring The Joker to be real because Batman has met him.

Priests are getting their hands caught in the wrong pants (any pants) and many more people report going to church on Sunday than churches have seats. Religion is not quite dead yet. But it may be getting there.

I want you to think about where you turn for answers. Seriously. Anytime you have a question where do you go? The G word. Google.

I want you to think about who knows you best. The things you like. The naughty things you do. Where you are. Who your friends really are. Yes, the all seeing is again Google.

And despite those naughty things, who loves you anyway? Who is willing to show you the answers anyway? Tries to never lead you astray? Brings you music, entertainment, news? Helps you find dinner, love, live happier and longer? When your head is bowed and the rest of the world is drowned out, are you praying to God or surfing from your smartphone? (The device which essentially has made you more knowledgeable and more powerful than generations of humans, praise be.)

How will this revolution be remembered when Google's creators are a mere memory? Sorry Sergey and Larry. Some will state firmly that yes, while Google existed and did great things for the era, it was only a Search Engine. And Browser. And OS. Others may just point to its humble beginnings. The new paradigm ushered in during its rule. The power being returned to the hands of the people. They may see a second coming. Or the first coming of something symbolic of much more than a return of Jesus.

Google's namesake, Googol is a BIG number. It is 1 followed by 100 zeros (think about that, a billion is 1 followed by nine zeros) . When we see this period of accelerated change in technology, communication and capability for the common man reflected in 1000 years, we may see Google as the 1. We are just the zeros following.

Do I look fat in this? (and answers to other questions women ask)

You and your woman are getting ready to go out. Let me revise that. You are ready, sitting in your favorite chair, trying not to get crumbs on yourself while you wait for her. She walks out dressed and theoretically ready to go. Then she asks any of the following:

1. Does this make me look fat? The logically correct answer is, "No. Fat makes you look fat. Dresses make you look dressed. Ready to go?" BUT DON'T SAY THAT. If you want to leave now, say instead- "No, you look great- let's go."  If you want to get laid now or later try, "You look amazing. I'm going to tear that dress off of you now or later. Probably now." With a great relationship, you can tell her the truth. "You look great, but aren't going to like how that one makes your 'fill in the blank' look"

2. Do these shoes go with this? You don't know, do you? No one who matters cares about her shoes anyway. You can say, "Look at how I dress. Do you really want me to decide what matches?" Often I just say, "Are they comfortable enough to wear the whole time?" (See, because now you are showing you care more about how she feels than how she looks. Further, you don't want to hear how much her feet hurt when you are out trying to have a fun night. Finally, while I prefer the thigh high, black leather heeled dominatrix boots, apparently "they are not appropriate for every occasion.")

3. Is this too revealing? Tricky right? What is too revealing? The exact right amount of revealing is enough that the other men are jealous, but not so much that I end up in a fist fight when someone gets touchy. So think of your most lecherous friend. The Captain Kirk of your crew. If he saw a woman dressed as your loved one currently is, would he make a move? Yes? Too revealing. It is not bad to say yes. That protective little jealous urge is something she wants you to feel. But is it too revealing? Only if she thinks it is. Your job is to protect her, even if she's nude.

Congratulations. You made it out and back and had a great time. Hopefully post-coitus she asks more of the trap questions.

4. What are you thinking about? If I wanted you to know I'd have been talking. (Don't say that.) I prefer something like, "Why do some fundamental particles have mass when the intrinsic symmetries which govern their interactions seem to require they be massless? You know, just Higgs Boson stuff baby." Under no circumstances say, "I was just thinking about how much I love you." Unless you truly were and are prepared to answer the next question.

5. Why do you love me? Well hell. She went there. As if you have mapped this out. This explanation should never reference dopamine or serotonin. The truth is you find her attractive, enjoy spending time with her and she usually puts up with your bullshit. Tell her all of that.

6. I saw you talking to Maria (insert whatever name works) at the party. Do you think she's cute? Yes. you do. That's part of the reason you talked to her while she obsessed about whatever thing happened at work. And right now your significant other is most likely NOT asking to see if you want her to come over. Your girl isn't stupid. Don't lie. I like to balance the good with the bad in this case. I might say, "Yes, but she never stops complaining about work," or "She's pretty, but she has nothing on you." Other woman can be attractive. Be a virile male, not a jerk. She doesn't expect you to no longer have a sex drive.

7. What are we doing tonight? You have preferences but really don't care right? She cares and has preferences but wants you to be a man. So this is hard. Stop trying to please her with a "What do you want to do?" Have a plan. Three actually. Each plan has three steps. You can think of nine things that you both enjoy. Just don't do the same one every night, unless she is turned on by lazy and unoriginal.
Sample A: I was thinking dinner at Avanti's, then we pick up a bottle of wine and take it to the park, from there we walk to a good dark picnic spot, share some drinks and fool around.
Sample B: How about we just make a couple of sandwiches, cuddle up on the couch, and watch that new show you recorded?

8. Where is this relationship going? The dreaded question. It's a relationship. Not a photon. It doesn't have to be going somewhere. Enjoy it for what it is. She wants to know that you are committed to her and the next steps. Dating to moving in to engagement to marriage to children to taking care of her in old age. I can't tell you how to answer this one, because it is your damn romance. Is she your soulmate? Fun but not a keeper? But I will tell you this. Do NOT ever put this question back on her to answer for you.

The Virtue of Laziness

Genghis Khan said (in a quote paraphrased by Bill Gates),“I always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job because he will find an easy way to do it." And Khan Noonien Singh said, "Captain, Captain, Captain... save your strength."

Time and again I have told my students laziness is a virtue. And it is. But I must also be clear here. Failure to accomplish something (at all or on time) because you didn't want to work on it isn't laziness. It's just failure. I define laziness as being unwilling to do work or expend energy. Several dictionaries agree with me.

Well, they likely agree with me. The nearest dictionary is waaaaay over there. So I just Googled it.

An unwillingness to expend energy forces creativity and efficiency. I insist that matches were invented by someone too lazy to rub sticks together; heaters were invented by someone too lazy to strike a match. If necessity is the mother of invention, laziness is the dead beat dad. Rollaboard luggage, the kind with two wheels and a handle, is incredibly common. It wasn't invented by someone too weak to push the four wheeled luggage already in existence. Instead, a US pilot thought two wheels would be easier.

Finding an easier way of doing something is great for everyone. If anything, we seem to repeatedly prove in America that easier means you have time for more things. Usually more work. A greater variety of tasks. More volume. Laziness is almost self defeating in that sense, but we can "lazy down" more tasks until we finally get some time off. Maybe.

Imagine picking up a phone and calling 50 people a day from a list. Further imagine a fairly standard conversion rate at 1%. You could reach someone for an eventual sale every two days. Not bad!

But also not good. If I want to sell something, why not call the five people who want it? Heck, if I call one person a day, I am doing twice as well as I was before. And if I NEED to reach out to fifty people, there is email for that. One mail merge later, and my work for today is complete.

Laziness also builds perception. Not only do you have to learn to pay attention to where you are wasting energy, but you must also learn to keep tabs on your boss and snitching co-workers. Can't get busted doing as much work in less time!

Oh, a part of you cringed. "But I SHOULD be working hard." The Puritan Work Ethic is a theological concept. The idea being hard work, diligence, and thrift are a way to show your salvation through Christianity. Because this country was founded by these religious zealots, we have this deeply ingrained mistaken belief.

Let me clear it up for you. The work is NOT more valuable than the result. And I am no Puritan.

Ad astra per aspera

This weekend I was gifted with a visit from my dad and step-mom. In addition to the obvious things, (renaissance faire, pool party, martini fueled late night conversations) we went to the planetarium.

We caught a show powered largely by the Sloan Digital Sky Survey. This is my favorite new survey, way better than a telemarketing based one. It got me to thinking about visiting with the nearby alien civilizations. Let's discuss, but first some facts.

The Milky Way is about 100,000 light years across. In perspective, if our whole solar system was the size of a grain of sand, the Milky Way would be bigger than a football field. It contains at least 100 billion stars.

The nearest star is about 24 trillion miles away. The fastest currently proposed space vessel should hit 450,000 miles per hour. By my math, that means a trip there would take 6088 years. I am unlikely to live that long.

Keeping just to the local neighborhood (which I will call within 16 light years or a quick 24,000 years at best current speed) there are 64 stars and four brown dwarf stars. This local area is key, if you ask me. It seems reasonable that these stars would be approximately the same age as our sun. This means solar systems with similar metal and element content. Carbon, iron- the good stuff.

Molten iron gives me a magnetic field around my planet which is great for reducing radiation. Just ask Mars. Iron carries oxygen in my blood and makes an industrial age considerable more likely. Not that dolphins aren't smart, but I would like to meet an alien which has conquered fire. Yes, it is a prejudice.

Stop asking why we aren't hearing these local aliens with SETI. If they exist and are a mere 100 years behind us, radio is invented but not very powerful. If they are 1000 years behind us, they are enjoying the Middle Ages. 10,000 years (a galactic blink of an eye) and they are developing agriculture. If they are ahead of us, radio is outdated.

But still we need a warp drive.  Particularly if we need to expand our search to the nearest 100 stars. Or 1000. So essentially I am saying, can we quit talking about Honey Boo Boo, Jesus on a grilled cheese, and McMonopoly long enough to fund and innovate faster than light travel? The aliens are starting to think we are immature, violent little jerks anyway.

It will be very good for the economy. I promise. (Then we can show the aliens who the jerks are!)

Better with age

I'm not going to lie to you. At least not in this moment, no promises on later. I find young women attractive. Twenty-two years old, everything is still pointing upward. They are probably in the best shape they will ever be. It is easy to look like a Victoria's Secret cover at this age.

But here's the thing. That's about it. That is the big advantage of younger women.

Those physical imperfections we all have? An older woman may see them as character. Her imperfections make me more comfortable with my own. Maybe mine do the same for her. In either case, the best sex comes from a woman over thirty. Less hang ups over her body. Less inhibitions. More skills. More experimental. Way more sex drive.

You know who knows how to give a complement? Older women. Young women don't tell you when they think you have nice eyes. They expect to be lavished with complements but rarely think of returning any. At LEAST ninety percent of the physical complements I have gotten in my life have come in the last five years. Either I am getting better with age (untrue, see paragraph one) or an older woman is enough less self-obsessed as to be able to remark on something other than the size of your wallet. Noah Brand made a good point about this here.

In my thirties I spent some time dating women in their twenties. At a decade younger than me, there was a 50% chance they could navigate conversation well. Be at least slightly interesting. Share some common ground. Disagree on a matter of political, religious or cultural thought without it devolving into the end of a relationship. At thirty years old, my chances of good conversation increased to 80%. Add a decade and we are hitting 90%. My guess is that is where we top out. No matter the age, some people just can't be interesting.

A twentysomething wants you to listen to her music. An older woman is okay if you don't like her music. Frankly, she doesn't need to give a damn. The same is true of her books and movies and so on. It is all about being comfortable in her skin. And the chances of similar tastes are so much better.

You know who is about my age? Christina Hendricks. You know who else isn't twenty and gets my jokes? Olivia Munn. I'd sit down for drinks with either one of them before any number of Miley Cyrus clones. Because eww.

You don't need to know anything.

Rembrandt was born in 1606 in what was the Dutch Republic, but is now the Netherlands. Two minutes ago I didn't know that. With a wave of my magic wand (actually The Big Red Laptop) I found the info. No need to suffer the gap between knowing and not knowing. A comedian recently stated this means the time between knowing and not-knowing is so short as to make them essentially the same. So I posit, is that such a bad thing?

Smartphones, smartwatches, smartglasses, smartcontacts, Gibson-esque nanotech brain implants... I'd say the ability to access any piece of human knowledge on the go is here to stay. (Barring zombie apocalypse. Those guys ruin everything.) I graduated from college without Google. We actually had to know stuff.

Plato was a student of Socrates. Aristotle was a student of Plato. They laid the foundation of western thought. I've known that for twenty years, thanks to Mrs. Mishler and her class on Philosophy. But is knowing facts so important? The sky is blue. Big fucking deal. Nitrogen in the atmosphere scatters the light in the blue wavelength. Now you know. Thanks Mr. Ganske, and 8th grade science teachers everywhere.

But knowing stuff is easy. It is also nearly instantaneous and fairly accurate. Yet we are graduating students through school- based on the idea that knowing stuff will make you successful and therefore you must know x,y, and z to graduate. Then you graduate and clumsily look up all the stuff you forgot when you need it most. A movement started by Simon has destroyed our minds and educational system.

Not to worry, I have a solution. We just stop teaching things you should know. Seriously. How about we teach stuff you do?

How about logic to think more effectively?
Languages
Search techniques (I'm biased there.)
Martial arts
Programming
Cooking and sewing even
Driving
Art and Music
Balancing a checkbook

Then later if you need to know when the American Civil War happened, you can buy a smartphone with your balanced checkbook and look it up with your advanced search skills. A world full of people who know how to do things is more valuable than one where we merely know things.

Dinosaurs like me who learned tons of facts and can recall with clarity will act superior for about a decade and we will still beat you at Trivial Pursuit. Feel bad about it all the way to your piloting lesson.

The Early Bird Eats Worms

You've heard "The early bird gets the worm." With my three hours of sleep last night I have decided to contest this little nugget. First, yuck. Worms. Here is what the night owl gets. Other birds. While that early riser eats worms, the owl (not even in bed yet) swoops down and devours him like a KFC bucket. True story. 

(I have eaten wings at midnight. So has Batman. Enjoy your worms.)

I've also heard that you can not catch up on sleep debt. Bullshit. Seriously. No one is collecting this debt. Take a nap if you are tired. It will not be rejected by the Sandman due to his requirement for you only pay on time. Somebody coined the clever little phrase "sleep debt" to make you afraid of not getting enough rest. Fear not. There is no lien. Just lean on a comfy couch and get what you need. It makes me think of charging your phone. Imagine if someone said, "if you don't charge it all the way now- you will never be able to charge it all the way again!" You would likely smack that person. And they should keep their eyes on their own phone anyway. This crap is private.

Early to bed and early to rise makes Ben Franklin healthy, wealthy and wise. Yet late to bed is a sign of creatives. Programmers, artists, inventors, writers and the like are more often most productive in the evening hours. Yes they may be starving artists, but they save a lot on Starbucks.

Less sleep has been correlated to weight gain. Who wants to be fat and tired? I prefer plump and alert. Or slim and alert when I can get it. 

Sleeping has been shown to improve memory, long term retention, and learning. So without enough you are fat, tired and stupid. This makes the "Why am I so tired?" question unsolvable; you are incapable of figuring out how to figure out the answer to your question and too fat to type it into Google.

While all of these things are great reasons to sleep in. I have a final thought to convince you. Sometimes, with a combination of booze and/or late hours we do something we know we will regret in the morning. You can either stop doing those things (boring) or you can SHORTEN YOUR MORNING. It has now been scientifically proven that people who sleep in have less morning. Less time for regret. The math may be complicated if you are tired, but sleep on it. You can thank me in the afternoon.

NASA and the USAF wage war on teens

About a week ago, news was served up hot and fresh about the $125,000 spent by NASA to develop the ability to 3D print pizza. Now I hear that Domino's (okay not the USAF, but still...) has developed the technology to deliver pizza via drone. When you combine these two you can almost fully take people out of the pepperoni process.

I think the moral implications of putting 17 year old boys out of work and replacing them with robots are obvious. But just in case you don't make the same leaps I do, let me spell them out.

Teenage boys are good at two things. Being horny and causing destructive mischief. I know this not just because I was one, but actually knew many. We are all the same; prank calling pizzas to your house, trying to take your daughter someplace alone, bashing mailboxes from automobiles. The list goes on, but I think you get it.

So, now without his hard earned pizza money (mine was from now bankrupt favorite, Pizza World out of Normal, Illinois.) The poor teen boy can no longer afford a vehicle or gas to bash your mailbox, has no way of taking your daughter on a date and the voice at Domino's sounds like Dr. Hawking. Violence is likely.

That's right. These sexually frustrated and occupationally abandoned boys are going to start attacking drones. Just for sport. For kicks. At first they will be successful too. The unarmed and very basically navigated drones will be easy prey. So they will be upgraded.

The ability to dodge and reroute themselves comes first of course. Then better defenses as the sport becomes too enthusiastic. Ultimately armed drones will deliver pizza and death throughout the suburbs.

The manufacturer of these drones (I imagine named something like CyberDyner) will construct PieNet, the first Artificial Intelligence capable of delivering everything except extra anchovies. That still needs a human touch.

Rather than give John Connor a reason to arm himself, we need to develop some way to fully remove humans from the equation. Perhaps only deliver remotely to mutant turtles? I'm not sure... Soylent Pizza has some ideas, but I'm not buying it.

This is just one set of problems. How much do you tip our machine overlords? Won't it work best to have a chip implanted they can just scan to collect money directly from your account? If I can 3D print a pizza, why would I pay you to do so for me and send it THROUGH THE AIR? Won't the airflow necessarily mean my pizza will be delivered cold? Will rival pizza companies arm their drones preemptively to shoot down the Dominators, leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth about the pizza Domino's never delivered?

Okay, that's enough puns for now. I'll be back.

How to ACTUALLY build relationships

I have seen dozens of articles, usually meant for salespeople, on how to build better relationships for success. I agree; success comes from relationships. But the advice includes tidbits like:

"Know your goals"
"Articulate your needs to others"
"Update others on your career success"
"Diversify your network"

Is it just me (no) or are all of those about how to make yourself the center of attention? That is not how to build a relationship, that's how to score a one night stand. And that is an entirely different blog post.

It's a fact: when someone connects with you strongly you like them more and will do more to help them. And if it wasn't a fact before, now this unsubstantiated claim will pave the way. But really, this is the very basis of friendship and family. Connection. Unsurprisingly, much of that connection comes from paying attention.

Look at the person with whom you are speaking. Not at your phone. Nor the clock, the television, whatever distraction is temporarily more important. And look at them with your whole body. Turn towards them. Really direct your attention. Here is a newsflash about important people. They don't need to look at their phone every few seconds. That is a task for an underling. Even without an underling to do so, very little on the other end of a phone requires constant attention.

Here is a related newsflash about being manly. Remember that action movie/western with the real macho hero who had his face buried in a phone? No? It doesn't exist. Neither does the one with the intriguing starlet who just couldn't look up.

I see that fake smile. I am an avid people watcher, and here is something most of you do. You smile when you see someone you know. Or want to know. As soon as they can't see your face, the smile dissolves. That feels insincere to me. Hold onto that smile for a bit. If your face muscles are too tired to do so, consider staying home you lazy scruff. I will go back to the movies for an example. When the two stars realize the other likes them and they smile as they walk away- it doesn't instantly revert to the stony facade they think is necessary to navigate life. Pay attention to this little thing and your life will be happier.

If I notice it, others do as well.

Remember stuff. You know the phrase, (S)he doesn't even know I exist? That's how people feel when you remember nothing of them. Consider these three options:

Heya, how's your, uhm, kids?
Hi buddy, how's your daughter?
Hi Joe, how's your daughter, Stephanie? Did she get that scholarship?

Which (assuming you had a daughter named Stephanie) makes you feel as if the person asking the question really listens to you? In order each shows I like you more and more. Include names, of the person and  the connection. Our minds are connection machines, build on existing networks in their brain.

I frequently hear the excuse, "well my memory just isn't good enough for that." Suck it up. Get better.

It's that easy. Pay attention to the other person. Value the other person. That is how a relationship is built, not on your goals.

Ways Google Glass could make the world better

This is what I should see when I look through Glass:

At a drive-through, I want to see the accuracy percentage of the crew. That way I can check the bag if needed before pulling one foot forward.

When I meet someone, the web history Google is using to sell them stuff, as well as the suggested products. This could be my creepy new friend!

On a view of a license plate, the accident and insurance information of the primary driver of the vehicle. For safety, it's best to avoid stupid people.

Why on Earth would Glass not allow me to see as though through a telescope, microscope, nightvision, thermal imagery and so forth? Krypton Glass!

They should dim in bright light. I have glasses that do that. Dorky but darn convenient.

They should detect things I am about to step in and warn me. Puddle! Crap! Bad Relationship!

When I see beautiful sights it should automatically overlay it with inspirational nonsense. Like, "Every sunset brings a new sunrise." Or, "She's looking at you. You should introduce yourself."

Instant counting: Be your own Rainman! When it sees groups of like objects, the computer should count them for you. 247 nickels. Definitely. Definitely 247 good ideas.

Translations. Seriously. Can't it make everything I read and hear in a language I understand? Like Space Pirate? Arrr, tis the shiniest mind nugget this sid'a the verse. (That's what your text speak nonsense looks like to me, ya bilge rat.)

You ever find yourself talking to a downright homely person? Can't we have an overlay for that? With autodetection, obviously. (Warning, if drinking this is dangerous.)

A warning radar when other Glass users are in the area. That way I can delete my internet history. And put some clothes on.

Missile warning system. Well not exactly, but at least something that tells me instantly when I am being stalked online. Very nice when I can also see by whom.

Breathalyzer notification. "She's drunk enough to find me charming." Or "Make sure this person gets home safely."

Recipes. Food, cocktails, whatever. When I open the fridge and it sees my ingredients it could at least make a suggestion: "Hello Jason, perhaps a Fuzzy Navel? You can use one part lemonade, one part orange juice, and one part peach schnapps." Imagine the trips to the cupboard (waiting for your standards to lower) that will be saved.

If I can overlay the person, I should be able to overlay the whole day. I could make it look like a comic strip.   Or a Peter Max painting. Or a Bogart film. Wait, you know what they say to do if you are nervous about speaking in front of a group- that.

The map of the mall is great. But really, where is my car? GPS power, activate!

Oh and I know you were on my face when I set my keys down. (Google Glass was, not you dear reader) Bring up a picture of that for me please.

With one simple caption and facial recognition software, I never again have to have that, "What's his name?" feeling again.

Guys, you know that feeling when you are looking a woman in the eyes listening to the entire conversation, and those eyes turn out to be breasts? Don't do that, just recall it later.

A rolling display of my schedule and other possible excuses that appear when someone asks me to do something. Not that I won't help, but options would be nice.

And the ear end of the temple should magnify sound when requested. More importantly, opposite frequency sound cancellation. Like a "Shut up" switch that doesn't make my hand sting.

Also, reminds me when to Shut Up.

Dating vs. Recruiting: How to fill two birds with one stone

In many of my classes I explain how important it is to consider dating and recruiting to be EXACTLY alike. And recruiting is sales in TWO directions. A person to a company and a company to a person. One bird here is dating, and the other is sales. I'll be the rock. Not The Rock, that's taken.

So let's draw some connections and use the caps lock a few more times. In this first entry I will talk about the job posting. This is (of course) an advertisement for a job. I am generally opposed to posting jobs, yet I met my girlfriend through Craigslist. So please, deal with the hypocrisy. And don't judge.

Step 1. Place the advertisement in a the right location. Swedishjanitors.com may have free job postings, but your ideal Manufacturing Engineer does NOT look for jobs there. Likewise, throwing on that little black dress to clean your house only works if you want to date your roommate or the creepy guy who looks in your windows. He says hi.

Step 2. Stop yelling. Honestly people. I think the thought process going on in a job posting or even an online dating ad must be, "If I use all caps, I will stand out!" Picture if you will a pretty woman sitting in her little black dress all alone in a smoky jazz bar. A man, call him "Jason," has met her eyes and smiled a few times. He then comes over with a little swagger in his walk and bellows, "HI I"M JASON, IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?" Yup, I can stand out too.

Step 3. Describe yourself (and therefore your position/product whatever) is the most commonly used terms.Yes I am both altitudinous and erudite, yet still delightfully jocular. When someone looks for their ideal date they may run a search for tall, well-educated and funny. Your product description can't be oddly specific in a way only used internally. I found hundreds of current job postings today for "shop technician 2." Which is what?

Step 4. Open Strong. "Is this seat taken? I don't bite... unless it's called for." Your opening in any sales situation is crucial. In my office we frequently use the phrase, "talked himself out of a job." This happens when a candidate that was doing fine keeps talking until they say too much. It is the Peter Principle applied to conversation.You must open strong, be specific, then SHUT UP. I could write an entire post on the power of shutting up.

Step 5. Be honest. If you are only interested in dating 70+ inch tall ballerinas who have a degree in chemistry, that needs to be stated in your "product needs." Otherwise you end up with 69 inch dancers who studied anatomy and what would you do with them? If you go look at personal ads (or job ads) both often fail to describe the role in honest, detailed terms. If the job requires the person to stare at a screen for 80% of the day, inputting data- why emphasis the need for a team player? You will just hire a team player, who will be miserable. I don't like long walks on the beach. Nor do I claim to. Long lounges on the beach with drinks? I'm in.

Step 6. I never said be yourself. We all put our best foot forward when dating, interviewing, describing the job. That is fine. I can be irritable, condescending, domineering, sweet, patient and charming. Dating should reveal a mix of that, but tempered. And by tempered I mean again, SHUT UP. The job description nor the blog post should go so long as to lose interest. That's why this is just Vol 1.

I drove my radio to work today.

First off, let me admit something. I don't go to work. Work is an activity, not a location. Ask any stay-at-home mom or telecommuting exec. Therefore, the title of this post might be more accurately, "I drove my radio to my girlfriend's house yesterday afternoon." But that lacks a certain je ne sais quoi, non? Sorry to suck you in with a lie.

About three weeks ago, Samsung revealed a "phone."  Which is much like saying that Ferrari introduced a new "radio." The Ferrari from the link is a 900+ total horsepower hybrid with active aerodynamics, twelve cylinders and enough Viagra in the glove box to get the job done for any man who needs this stereo. No article I have found online discusses the musical capability of the prancing pony. Nor does any article I have found discuss the actual ability of the 6.3" screened Galaxy Mega to make a phone call.

From my phone (a comparably diminutive Galaxy Note Series, until the next Note comes out which should be similarly sized) I can live chat face to face across the entire globe in real time. In rare cases this signal may even be bounced off of a satellite. That satellite is higher than the orbit of the USS Enterprise as detailed by Spock in one episode of the original series- 643 miles, 2,021 feet, 2.04 inches above the surface.

I can access the internet. Play games. I plug it into the dash of my car to play music off a 16 GB card the size of my smallest fingernail. We navigate by phone. Check the time and wake up by phone. Take pictures, send electronic telegraphs, record audio/video, create art, watch TV and movies, run our finances, stalk our exes, translate foreign languages, and so much more all at the touch of a button so fast, so reliable that Merlin, Gandalf and that Potter kid have nothing on any of us. Need to know the Elvish word for friend to open the gates to Moria? A simple search on Google brought me the answer (Mellon) as well as a sound clip pronunciation guide. Captain Kirk literally didn't have this technology. Even his PADD lacked the power of an iPad, but I appreciate the Note-like stylus.

Yesterday, I received one call on my cell phone. It lasted 31 seconds, as my massage place confirmed this afternoon's appointment. I made no outgoing calls. I have made and received none today. Sure I used my work land line... for work. But I don't want to call you. We can text or we can talk in person. It is not a mere phone and it has no dial. We had a phone with a dial when I was a kid. It was a Vintage Brass French style thing, as my mom liked antiques. It weighed as much as a car battery, and was just as easy to pocket. GPS did not exist because the satellite constellation was still a decade off.

This device gives me a host of superpowers that we take for granted. When it becomes a glasses format, and then a pair of contacts the next level will be even more staggering. Is your boyfriend lying? There is an app for that. Counting cards in Vegas? An app for that too. Every answer to every test available to you, every board game mastered, real time instructions on anything you need to know or do, augmented reality over everything. Commercials in your sleep. Cats and  dogs living together...  (Take out contacts for best REM)

I could predict so much power coming from this technology. Education will have to change to emphasize thinking over fact regurgitation. The inability to understand the beauty and complexity of the technologies around us will drive more people to religion. Some to violence. And you call it a phone.

Google Glass Banned

Google Glass, the smartphone fannypack for your face, has already been banned in some locations. Some are shocked as the device isn't yet on the market.  By all means restrict the use of something before it is on sale. Please don't bring silly string vomiting Elmo into my house, if it is ever invented. No radium condoms in this brothel!

But my concern is the reasoning. We aren't talking about a safety concern. Here are some reasons why someone may want to ban this technical accessory.

1. Fashion
2. Distraction
3. Interaction
4. Suspicion
5. Religion

Starting with the fashion. Yes, I think it looks ridiculous. I want one anyway, just a little bit. I mean, I've looked ridiculous for years, and this makes me just a little bit of a borg. More on that point later. But since we don't ban other fashion faux pas, let's not start with this now. I can wear socks and sandals into your establishment, right? Jeans to my knees? By the way, I have old fat jeans for sale to any overindulged young men out there. They are vintage, and sure to fall past your ass. Only $90 plus shipping.

Are they distracting? Would I want this in front of a group of school children I was teaching? NO. On a driver in any car ever. NO. This is a fair reason for safety concerns, learning concerns, etc. For now.

Interaction is a grey area. I do not want my date wearing these instead gazing on my dashing yet rugged exterior. Or however I look to someone unbiased. But I also don't want her on her phone every five seconds. As the phone isn't banned on a date by anything beyond common courtesy, this reason is tossed as well.

The people with camera faces are coming to get me. They will see when I screw up and post it to YouTube. What if my zipper is down? Or I kick a puppy? Bystander Apathy has turned into Bystander Instagram. Get used to it. If you are a police officer, don't beat your suspects. Someone has their camera on. Look around you. Cameras are everywhere. Right now I have hacked into your webcam (stop picking your nose) and your phone's camera (staring at the ceiling) and the thousand other devices that record you in a day. To be afraid of the camera taking your soul in the modern world leads necessarily to agoraphobia.

God doesn't like technology. Well, if that is your point of view, we should end this discussion now for so many reasons. Also get off the internet, you hypocrite.

The all-seeing eye of LaForge

Bionic eyes are becoming a reality. Seriously. Miniaturization of electronics means my Google GlassEye or iGlass may be in the future. Perhaps the technology will be so tiny as to fit into my normal prescription glasses seamlessly. You will never know if I am googling myself when I sit across from you, smiling blankly. We are integrating technology into our bodies with contact lenses, prosthetic hips and plastic tits. For better or worse, this is reality. Augmented of course. When you outlaw cybernetics, only outlaws will be cyborgs. (And your grandmother with that hip.)

We end up left with Google Glass being a distraction, and/or not appropriate in certain environments. Duh. Same goes for squirt guns. Reasonable limitations for public safety are, well, reasonable. The biggest fear must be paranoia and suspicion. Recording the inside of your quaint dive bar is not my priority with a smartphone or any other device. But if I wanted to do so, you can't stop me. I have seen way too many spy shows.