How to be a Man

No one ever, not even Chuck Norris, was born a man. He once described himself as a shy kid who never excelled at anything in school. Bruce Wayne was a stuffy rich kid whose parents died. Even Captain Kirk, well maybe there are exceptions. Something happens to people in these coming of age stories where they realize it is time to be an adult. And thanks to too many movies, adult males are waiting for something that will likely never happen. No life altering event will make you more manly.

To become something you must do that thing. We are what we do. The cliche is "fake it 'til you make it," but the truth is there as well. Aristotle told us that to have a virtue you must act as though you have that virtue, then it will be yours. So if you keep acting honestly you will become honest. Want to be a runner? Run. It is time to be more manly- act like it.

But what are those traits you should be developing? So many- let's break them down.

You should be able to defend yourself and others. Not just physically, but that is of course the case. No woman wants a man who cries if he gets sucker punched in a bar. I can punch through several inches of wood, in the case an Ent ever attacks me. You also need to be able to defend yourself verbally. This comes into play often in life. Wit is important, but so is being right.

Your actions should set an example for others. When you saw the first Chuck Norris reference you had a role model for manliness. I imagine you have others. They can absolutely be fictional. You aren't fictional. If a child was going to look up to you, why would they? Fairness. Honesty. Courage. Strength. Wisdom... Whatever combination of traits you think are the ones that should be represented, you should be representing. Be the best you.

Keep your stuff clean. Do you think Steve McQueen's car was littered with McDonald's wrappers? Did Bruce Lee's house have a roach problem? NO. Yes, this makes you more attractive to women as well. My college apartment always had one clean room- my bedroom. My roommates may not have worried about a woman coming over a second time, but I sure did.

What comes out of your mouth should be trusted. Keep your promises. Tell the truth. Don't gossip. Again, how ridiculous is the image of Theodore Roosevelt saying, "Did you see what he was wearing?" The idea of of the strong, silent type is better than the catty, dishonest type. If what you have to add isn't true and valuable, keep your mouth shut.

Don't be helpless. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, make life happen for you. Drive your success. Fix that flat tire. Do some damn sit-ups. Go for a run. Asking for help is not weakness, refusal to help yourself absolutely is. It is weak and slovenly. No one owes you anything.

Be passionate. Men care about something other than themselves. That is passion. Women go weak for artists, musicians, poets, and others who show their passion. Trust me, it isn't because they are weepy and emotional- that is not passion. Your passion could be saving the environment or drawing nudes or medieval literature. It almost doesn't matter (it shouldn't be coloring.)

Use your brain. Dumb mistakes, a lack of humor, an inability to read- these are the traits of drunk mice. Everyone, wants people around them who are intelligent. It doesn't mean you have to go out there and learn loop quantum gravity. Just think. Think before you act. Think while you act.

Treat others with respect. Not fawning adoration. Just respect- at least until they prove unworthy. This goes for yourself as well. You are also worthy of respect- go out and earn it. Self confidence and a level of esteem comes from respecting yourself. Once upon a time I was not confident in my ability to speak in public. I was young, tall, intelligent, well read and spoken- yet did not respect those traits enough to have the confidence to stand up in front of a group of strangers. Fortunately, a woman I had a terrible crush on in high school corrected my thinking.

Many of my fiancee's friends have commented on how manly I am. They usually ask what has happened and why aren't men that way anymore. Culturally, I will place the blame in a future entry. The truth is, I behaved as a man until everyone (including me) saw me that way. It can become a habit, which is fine. It isn't a character trait- it is repeated action. Stop waiting for it to happen to you.

Revenge of the Sixth

In this internet obsessed society, we can't just have a little fun with something as simple as May the Fourth (be with you) anymore. While a lot of nerds were enjoying Star Wars day, a few people were explaining what was wrong with the movies and vision of George Lucas. Personally, I found their lack of faith disturbing. So I will do what many people do online, anonymously* respond to the well thought out writings and make fun of them for it.

To address a common complaint, (okay mentioned in both articles I read) Star Wars did not ruin Science Fiction. It isn't even in that genre. Seriously. It is a fantasy. A fairy tale. The knights carry swords. They rescue princesses. There are good and evil wizards. Krayt Dragons. Quests. Pirates. Ghosts. It just happens to have a setting in space. Not real space of course. Space where TIE fighters whiz by quite audibly, gravity is constant on every planet and asteroid, and the planets all consist of a single sub-ecosystem. Terminator, Quantum Leap, and Blade Runner are all set on Earth. Space does not equal science fiction.

Star Wars does not represent a better future and view of humanity. First, Star Wars is not set in the future. The moral implications of each are worthy of quite the discussion. (Another day, another blog.) Star Trek is absolutely forward thinking. It often tries to show how petty our racism, greed, violence and darker side can be by taking those very elements, turning them sideways and showing them back to us. And Star Wars is almost religious in its desire to show us the triumph good over evil. We are given examples and explanation of what makes good behavior. Captain Kirk and Obi Wan both influenced my sense of ethics.

Star Wars made people think Sci Fi is a bloated genre of shoot outs at high noon and endless wars. The argument basically goes, "Sci Fi should be about exploration, internally and externally." Firefly, Star Trek, and about a million other pieces of Sci Fi feature armed conflict. So what.

Star Wars is not all about toy sales. In fact, the success of the first movie was so surprising Kenner couldn't even keep up with demand. Now, you can make a Star Wars measuring cup and have it sell out. This is a simple problem of success. Movies are about making money. Why are we so upset when something we don't like is successful? You vote with your dollars. If a movie appeals to children there will be toys. If the movie did its job, they will sell many toys. We can argue that a true artistic vision is not about money, but until the socialist universe of Star Trek actually arrives, cash is king.

I think Pokeman makes a lot of money. Maybe it is Science Fiction. Maybe it is terrible. I don't know and I don't care. Let's be done trying to make people feel bad for liking the things that make them happy.

Luke Skywalker: Spoiled Rich Kid

We grew up with this image of Luke Skywalker as poor, good-natured farm boy, at odds with the Empire- trying to save the galaxy. And it is totally false.

First, the kid's adopted parents are rich and spoiled the heck out of him. Consider the job. They are moisture farmers on a desert planet. Essentially, they produce the most needed part of life in an environment where it just can't be found. That has got to be worth something. Probably a lot.

Don't believe me? Look at the facts. Uncle Owen's father, Clegg Lars purchased a slave and subsequently married her. All other moral issues aside, that isn't cheap. Of course, I consider droids in Star Wars to be a slave race as well. Uncle Owen was purchasing a couple of those (R2 and 3PO) the day before he died. Also fairly expensive for a "in the moment" purchase. What was he going to do with an astromech droid anyway?

Luke has a landspeeder. His own flying car. Nice, right... and we can be sure it is his. He was absolutely going out "to Tosche Station to pick up power converters." Never did he have to ask to borrow the car. Droids are lost in the desert? No biggie, I'll just hop in my flying car and go looking.

So a teen with a car and likely very rich parents doesn't convince you? "I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 back home." Luke owned a jetfighter, namely a T-16 Skyhopper. A high end model with a LASER CANNON. Sure it was lightly armed, and was best for shooting six foot rats. Oh, and it could go about Mach 1 and fly out of the atmosphere. That's like buying your kid an armed helicopter. Maybe just a Cobra, but still.

Also, who goes out killing two meter womp rats for fun? That would be like driving around shooting cows and leaving them to rot.

Wait, if he had a chopper, why was he driving to find R2? Well, like a lot of spoiled rich kids, he wrecked the sports car. He was screwing around and wrecked it during a race. You see it parked in the garage in the background at the beginning of Episode IV.

So we have to admit he was spoiled. But at least he was always the good guy, right? Nope. Like dear old Daddy he was trying to join the Empire, not the Rebellion. He talks about joining the Academy and running away from the farm. The Rebellion doesn't have an Academy and he doesn't mean Hogwarts. He means the Imperial Academy. To become a pilot- because that's what his friends did.

He really goes with the flow, not really standing up for anything other than hanging out with his friends. (The kind of attachment not allowed a Jedi) They join the Imperial Academy, he wants to as well. Ben wants to save Leia, sure he will go. Blow up a moon-sized space station? If that's what you guys are doing. Sorry Yoda, I have to be done learning to be a Jedi now. My friends are calling.

I doubt he lost a minute of sleep after blowing up the Death Star. Imagine, you blow up one MILLION people. Even if 99% of them are bad people. Then you still killed ten thousand innocents. And really, it wasn't filled with Darth Vaders- just career military, contractors, janitors, hot dog vendors. No, Luke killed tens of thousands of innocent bystanders. To impress a girl.

That is a spoiled rich kid without a moral compass over-compensating if I ever heard it.

10 Life hacks for Superheroes

I keep seeing lists of life hacks. And they're great, really. Did you know you can use dental floss to cut cake neatly? I am sure that is why the dentist gives it to you in the first place. And they have so many themes. I've already mentioned one from the kitchen, but they have them for weight loss, folding sheets, your car- almost everything.

Almost.

What if you are a superpowered hero from another world? Or a nocturnal billionaire? Even a mere radiated he-man? Nothing. It's as if being exceptional should just be enough. That's superism, and I have had enough!

It isn't enough to tilt and rail online in the hopes that things change. Be the difference you want to see in the world. So for my genetic and monetarily advantaged brothers (and sisters) I give you this list.

1. Broken Taco Shells. It happens to the best of us. One bite in and now your dinner is a complete mess. Simple Solution: Fly around the world fast enough to reverse the timestream and then start over before it ever broke.

2. Cut off in traffic. On your way to dispatch villainy, when some careless jerk in his Porsche yanks in front of you. Now only a bad guy would take it out on the driver right then. Consider instead using your billions to buy the company where he works. Then move his parking spot to the back of the lot. That will teach him some humility and restore justice.

3. Candlewick is too low to light. And when you try, you get black film all over your hands and suit. Consider using your laser vision to light the wick remotely. Do this one when nobody is around. That fresh linen scent isn't worth your secret identity!

4. Eggshells are sticking to your boiled eggs. The classic solution to this is to add a little baking soda to the water as it boils. Instead of peeling the egg, you crack a little shell from each end. Using your gale force breath, blow into the smaller hole and watch the shelled egg burst free faster than  a speeding bullet.

5. Can't find your keys. Advanced studies have shown the most likely place for your keys to be is exactly where you left them. BUT somebody (sidekick) put something down on top of them, obscuring your vision. Merely use your x-ray vision to look under the clutter.

6. Can't find your invisible <whatever.> Maybe it's your jet, car, cloak, or ring. This is why they invented blind acrobat sidekicks! They never saw your invisible thing in the first place. Count on them to do something useful for once in their crime fighting career. Also, there are phone apps to help.

7. Forgot the bait? Fishing trips with the League are the best! But in a fit of irony Robin refuses to dig up the worms. Use your mental command over sea life to lure them into your boat. The only ones who know you betrayed their trust will be in the skillet tonight.

8. Car won't start. This one is always an upsetting start to the morning. Normally, you call a tow truck and sit there near tears, becoming ever more late for work, then fork over a wad of cash. From there it goes to the mechanic who charges you even more and you pay for anything he can tack on. How expensive! Don't sweat it. Pick up the car, fly it to the mechanic and continue on to work. When you go to pick it up, borrow a truth serum, lasso or mind controlling friend to ensure you are not being swindled.

9. Tangled computer cords. At best these are an eyesore. At worst, they can be a major trip and fire hazard. Line up the offending cables perfectly just once. Spray them with your web goop. They will stay in place and reduce the flies in your tiny one bedroom apartment.

10. Want to protect your valuables at the beach? Place them under an object too heavy to be lifted. If you are one of those without unlimited strength, just cover them with your super suit. Not only will your valuables be hidden, but most humans wouldn't dare steal from someone who could shred them with adamantium claws!

Many mere human life hacks can work as well. Don't be afraid to try them. But not the floss cake thing. It is overrated.

Where do I turn when I need answers?

When we first were dating, my fiancee felt like her son should start learning to type. I said typing would start going away. Now that typing has actually started going away, this seems obvious. But back when she and I both had  BlackBerry cell phones and full keyboards were pretty standard, this was not so clear. Swype, Voice to text, gesture based word generation and even mind reading to text are all on the rise. Thus began a pattern of her asking how I think the future will unfold.

A few nights ago, the same lovely woman asked me a seemingly ridiculous question. What will religion be like in 1000 years? Spoiler alert: I have a snarky answer.

Let me begin by saying I have flown on an airplane. I did not see any bearded men in the clouds. It is my belief that this solar system was formed from a nebula four and half billion years ago (ish) and that the elements in my body come from the nucleosynthesis of an earlier generation of stars. I am star dust. The universe is an awe-inspiring, magnificent place. There are many studies which show atheists to be on average more compassionate, more intelligent, and less imprisoned than their religious peers. The latter may just mean they get caught significantly less... But Supreme Court Justice Scalia recently likened atheism to following the devil's desires.  Meaning he missed the part where we are putting religious people in jail for violating the law and evil atheists walk free among us. Though he also said that the devil is real because Jesus believed in him. To me, this is declaring The Joker to be real because Batman has met him.

Priests are getting their hands caught in the wrong pants (any pants) and many more people report going to church on Sunday than churches have seats. Religion is not quite dead yet. But it may be getting there.

I want you to think about where you turn for answers. Seriously. Anytime you have a question where do you go? The G word. Google.

I want you to think about who knows you best. The things you like. The naughty things you do. Where you are. Who your friends really are. Yes, the all seeing is again Google.

And despite those naughty things, who loves you anyway? Who is willing to show you the answers anyway? Tries to never lead you astray? Brings you music, entertainment, news? Helps you find dinner, love, live happier and longer? When your head is bowed and the rest of the world is drowned out, are you praying to God or surfing from your smartphone? (The device which essentially has made you more knowledgeable and more powerful than generations of humans, praise be.)

How will this revolution be remembered when Google's creators are a mere memory? Sorry Sergey and Larry. Some will state firmly that yes, while Google existed and did great things for the era, it was only a Search Engine. And Browser. And OS. Others may just point to its humble beginnings. The new paradigm ushered in during its rule. The power being returned to the hands of the people. They may see a second coming. Or the first coming of something symbolic of much more than a return of Jesus.

Google's namesake, Googol is a BIG number. It is 1 followed by 100 zeros (think about that, a billion is 1 followed by nine zeros) . When we see this period of accelerated change in technology, communication and capability for the common man reflected in 1000 years, we may see Google as the 1. We are just the zeros following.

Do I look fat in this? (and answers to other questions women ask)

You and your woman are getting ready to go out. Let me revise that. You are ready, sitting in your favorite chair, trying not to get crumbs on yourself while you wait for her. She walks out dressed and theoretically ready to go. Then she asks any of the following:

1. Does this make me look fat? The logically correct answer is, "No. Fat makes you look fat. Dresses make you look dressed. Ready to go?" BUT DON'T SAY THAT. If you want to leave now, say instead- "No, you look great- let's go."  If you want to get laid now or later try, "You look amazing. I'm going to tear that dress off of you now or later. Probably now." With a great relationship, you can tell her the truth. "You look great, but aren't going to like how that one makes your 'fill in the blank' look"

2. Do these shoes go with this? You don't know, do you? No one who matters cares about her shoes anyway. You can say, "Look at how I dress. Do you really want me to decide what matches?" Often I just say, "Are they comfortable enough to wear the whole time?" (See, because now you are showing you care more about how she feels than how she looks. Further, you don't want to hear how much her feet hurt when you are out trying to have a fun night. Finally, while I prefer the thigh high, black leather heeled dominatrix boots, apparently "they are not appropriate for every occasion.")

3. Is this too revealing? Tricky right? What is too revealing? The exact right amount of revealing is enough that the other men are jealous, but not so much that I end up in a fist fight when someone gets touchy. So think of your most lecherous friend. The Captain Kirk of your crew. If he saw a woman dressed as your loved one currently is, would he make a move? Yes? Too revealing. It is not bad to say yes. That protective little jealous urge is something she wants you to feel. But is it too revealing? Only if she thinks it is. Your job is to protect her, even if she's nude.

Congratulations. You made it out and back and had a great time. Hopefully post-coitus she asks more of the trap questions.

4. What are you thinking about? If I wanted you to know I'd have been talking. (Don't say that.) I prefer something like, "Why do some fundamental particles have mass when the intrinsic symmetries which govern their interactions seem to require they be massless? You know, just Higgs Boson stuff baby." Under no circumstances say, "I was just thinking about how much I love you." Unless you truly were and are prepared to answer the next question.

5. Why do you love me? Well hell. She went there. As if you have mapped this out. This explanation should never reference dopamine or serotonin. The truth is you find her attractive, enjoy spending time with her and she usually puts up with your bullshit. Tell her all of that.

6. I saw you talking to Maria (insert whatever name works) at the party. Do you think she's cute? Yes. you do. That's part of the reason you talked to her while she obsessed about whatever thing happened at work. And right now your significant other is most likely NOT asking to see if you want her to come over. Your girl isn't stupid. Don't lie. I like to balance the good with the bad in this case. I might say, "Yes, but she never stops complaining about work," or "She's pretty, but she has nothing on you." Other woman can be attractive. Be a virile male, not a jerk. She doesn't expect you to no longer have a sex drive.

7. What are we doing tonight? You have preferences but really don't care right? She cares and has preferences but wants you to be a man. So this is hard. Stop trying to please her with a "What do you want to do?" Have a plan. Three actually. Each plan has three steps. You can think of nine things that you both enjoy. Just don't do the same one every night, unless she is turned on by lazy and unoriginal.
Sample A: I was thinking dinner at Avanti's, then we pick up a bottle of wine and take it to the park, from there we walk to a good dark picnic spot, share some drinks and fool around.
Sample B: How about we just make a couple of sandwiches, cuddle up on the couch, and watch that new show you recorded?

8. Where is this relationship going? The dreaded question. It's a relationship. Not a photon. It doesn't have to be going somewhere. Enjoy it for what it is. She wants to know that you are committed to her and the next steps. Dating to moving in to engagement to marriage to children to taking care of her in old age. I can't tell you how to answer this one, because it is your damn romance. Is she your soulmate? Fun but not a keeper? But I will tell you this. Do NOT ever put this question back on her to answer for you.

The Virtue of Laziness

Genghis Khan said (in a quote paraphrased by Bill Gates),“I always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job because he will find an easy way to do it." And Khan Noonien Singh said, "Captain, Captain, Captain... save your strength."

Time and again I have told my students laziness is a virtue. And it is. But I must also be clear here. Failure to accomplish something (at all or on time) because you didn't want to work on it isn't laziness. It's just failure. I define laziness as being unwilling to do work or expend energy. Several dictionaries agree with me.

Well, they likely agree with me. The nearest dictionary is waaaaay over there. So I just Googled it.

An unwillingness to expend energy forces creativity and efficiency. I insist that matches were invented by someone too lazy to rub sticks together; heaters were invented by someone too lazy to strike a match. If necessity is the mother of invention, laziness is the dead beat dad. Rollaboard luggage, the kind with two wheels and a handle, is incredibly common. It wasn't invented by someone too weak to push the four wheeled luggage already in existence. Instead, a US pilot thought two wheels would be easier.

Finding an easier way of doing something is great for everyone. If anything, we seem to repeatedly prove in America that easier means you have time for more things. Usually more work. A greater variety of tasks. More volume. Laziness is almost self defeating in that sense, but we can "lazy down" more tasks until we finally get some time off. Maybe.

Imagine picking up a phone and calling 50 people a day from a list. Further imagine a fairly standard conversion rate at 1%. You could reach someone for an eventual sale every two days. Not bad!

But also not good. If I want to sell something, why not call the five people who want it? Heck, if I call one person a day, I am doing twice as well as I was before. And if I NEED to reach out to fifty people, there is email for that. One mail merge later, and my work for today is complete.

Laziness also builds perception. Not only do you have to learn to pay attention to where you are wasting energy, but you must also learn to keep tabs on your boss and snitching co-workers. Can't get busted doing as much work in less time!

Oh, a part of you cringed. "But I SHOULD be working hard." The Puritan Work Ethic is a theological concept. The idea being hard work, diligence, and thrift are a way to show your salvation through Christianity. Because this country was founded by these religious zealots, we have this deeply ingrained mistaken belief.

Let me clear it up for you. The work is NOT more valuable than the result. And I am no Puritan.