So, we're going to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. And, according to the President Elect, Mexico will pay us back.
First a note on logic. If you have a friend that says they are going to give you money, then they move to Mexico, you are not getting that cash. Also, if you build a physical wall between you and said friend, you probably are no longer friends.
Anyway, with this in mind, I wanted to give some ideas on getting past a wall. Any wall really, or the border. Some of these have been borrowed from Wile E. Coyote.
1. Use a door. I mean, there will still be pedestrian paths and bridges to cross from one country to another. Just be sneaky if you aren't supposed to be there.
2. Use a hole. Walls have holes. Some natural, others man made. When Trump closes a door, he opens a window. Shimmy through one.
3. Go under. I found a number of shovels online for less than $10. If you are really patient, you can go the way of Andy Dufresne. Bigger shovels will save you time though. (Incidentally, I think Andy ended up in Mexico.)
4. Go over. Air travel is surprising easy since about 1903. Also, per the Coyote, large slingshots may work. Or a rocket on your back. If you are just trying to get a package across the border, consider throwing it over the wall, using a cheap drone, or latching it to an arrow, Robin Hood style.
5. Go over, part two. A 24' ladder is about $200. Rope is even cheaper. With a grapple gun you can pretend you're Batman. If you are one of those skilled climbers, pretend you are Spider-Man instead and use your bare hands.
6. Go around. You'd have to sail for several feet at either end of the wall. Or swim. Use a floatie, in the US we have ones that look like large donuts. Or walk in the ankle deep water.
7. Paint a door. I doubt this one works, but you know, Coyote.
8. Drive. Got a truck? You can drive through things with them. Even walls.
9. Offer to pay for the wall. Bring a bad check. The President has lots. Get a seat on the cabinet while you're in country.
10. Just walk. Cinder blocks are a buck or two. Eight inches tall, which makes a convenient step and they stack easily. For about $1000 you could build a decent staircase going up. Rappel down the other side though, I doubt we'd let you leave the descending stairs.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Friday, October 2, 2015
Can I beat a robot?
Seriously. Not in the physical sense. Current robots are no match for me, but the Terminator era is on the rise. Is it legal to beat your automated pal? #AskingForAFriend
I'm not really asking for a friend. I'm asking on behalf of humanity. Recently a guy in Japan kicked a robot while he was drunk. The robot does not walk as well and it's internal computer may have been damaged. You could say he crippled it and gave it brain damage.
This raises so many philosophical questions for me, I can't begin to list them all. But I'll try anyway.
Is it more wrong for me to hit a humanoid robot?
Assuming a robot (not a big fan of that term) is just a machine, how is it different than a toaster? Thanks to BSG for that reference. Hitting your toaster means mild anger issues. Hitting Rosie the Robot means you have much more violence based emotional problems.
Not all robots are humanoid though...
What if it is the Doctor's K9? Or a Felinoid companion? Or R2 D2? Think about it, without giggling please. I am assuming you are familiar with Star Wars. If not, invest a few hours, catch up, and continue reading here. Imagine you had a fully functional R2 D2 at work. All beeps, bobbles and quirks included. A client/customer comes in and angrily beats R2 for poor service. Would you keep working with them? File charges? Hit them back?
Should there be a middle ground between hitting a human and damaging property?
The above linked article mentions such a middle ground. It sounds like a great solution, on its face. Getting angry and beating your neighbor's dog because it crapped in your yard is a lesser offense than beating your neighbor, but a greater offense than flinging the crap at their house.
I fear we would be creating an environment where Turing Test capable (dare I say sentient!) machines in the future are second class citizens. Treated similarly to pets. Get me a little tipsy and I will go on my tirade about how Star Wars treats droids. We don't allow their kind in here. I don't recall ever owning a droid. These are owned sentient beings that can have their memory wiped without a second thought. Will we be remembered for a Three-Fifths compromise of sorts, because we lacked the forethought to imagine that someday machine intelligence may (at least) be indistinguishable from our own?
What about robots designed for violent purposes?
I train in karate. I'm not even half bad, and an awfully large man on top of it. When I hit you, you know it. Therefore, even my sparring partners who willingly train with me (while I am only trying to basically tag them) tend to regret it afterwards. It stands to reason someone will build a sparring droid. Even though it has no choice in the matter (unlike my fellow students) will it be exempt so that I may kick it in the face?
Other robots are built for much more violent purposes. War. I can treat war differently, right? If my soldier shoots the semi-intelligent drone trying to ferret out his location, that is just survival. But what if I wipe them all out with an EMP blast? Am I defending myself or creating a new kind of genocide? Is it a war crime?
Did I give unfair consideration to robots?
Earlier in this post I said the assaulted robot "Pepper" was crippled and had brain damage. I was absolutely intentionally anthropomorphizing a machine to give emotional weight to my argument. And at some point I should. At this stage of their evolution, it is probably unfair to say a machine can be injured. This will not always be the case. The classic TNG episode Measure of a Man addresses this future concern. I've even argued the episode's best speech is a call to reconsidering how you treat all beings. Gay, Black, Straight, Vulcan, Cylon. Stop considering yourself better than others.
What about a compromise based on intelligence?
It is okay to hit a humanoid robot if it has the intelligence of a flea? That will be an argument. If it isn't as intelligent as Commander Data, it's just property. Who draws that line? I am more intelligent than many people. Can I hit them? Ignoring that absurdity and bringing it to a more realistic level. It is not okay to beat or kill a person with an IQ of 50, no matter what your IQ is.
I remember reading that an average dog is basically as smart as an average 2 year old. (Knowledgeable is a better term though.) And it is not okay to beat a dog or a two year old. Last year, the dog I had for nearly 15 years of my life died. Sad as it is, that's about all the time we get with them. And at some point I think we may have machines that are as much family to us. Somewhere far above your car, but below your child. Just keep in mind, liking my family more than your family is a human survival instinct. And I think robots may someday be part of our families.
What about nonviolence and crimes involving robots?
Sex robots exist. What might that be like in a decade? If I steal one and use it is that theft? Kidnapping? Rape? In fact, can they ever give consent? Can I program consent?
Conversely, can I program an intelligent robot to commit a crime? Can I brainwash a human to commit a crime? Can I create a human the old fashioned way and either intentionally or unintentionally raise a criminal?
There are more questions here than I have asked. I sincerely apologize for not having the answers. I'm only human.
I'm not really asking for a friend. I'm asking on behalf of humanity. Recently a guy in Japan kicked a robot while he was drunk. The robot does not walk as well and it's internal computer may have been damaged. You could say he crippled it and gave it brain damage.
This raises so many philosophical questions for me, I can't begin to list them all. But I'll try anyway.
Is it more wrong for me to hit a humanoid robot?
Assuming a robot (not a big fan of that term) is just a machine, how is it different than a toaster? Thanks to BSG for that reference. Hitting your toaster means mild anger issues. Hitting Rosie the Robot means you have much more violence based emotional problems.
Not all robots are humanoid though...
What if it is the Doctor's K9? Or a Felinoid companion? Or R2 D2? Think about it, without giggling please. I am assuming you are familiar with Star Wars. If not, invest a few hours, catch up, and continue reading here. Imagine you had a fully functional R2 D2 at work. All beeps, bobbles and quirks included. A client/customer comes in and angrily beats R2 for poor service. Would you keep working with them? File charges? Hit them back?
Should there be a middle ground between hitting a human and damaging property?
The above linked article mentions such a middle ground. It sounds like a great solution, on its face. Getting angry and beating your neighbor's dog because it crapped in your yard is a lesser offense than beating your neighbor, but a greater offense than flinging the crap at their house.
I fear we would be creating an environment where Turing Test capable (dare I say sentient!) machines in the future are second class citizens. Treated similarly to pets. Get me a little tipsy and I will go on my tirade about how Star Wars treats droids. We don't allow their kind in here. I don't recall ever owning a droid. These are owned sentient beings that can have their memory wiped without a second thought. Will we be remembered for a Three-Fifths compromise of sorts, because we lacked the forethought to imagine that someday machine intelligence may (at least) be indistinguishable from our own?
What about robots designed for violent purposes?
I train in karate. I'm not even half bad, and an awfully large man on top of it. When I hit you, you know it. Therefore, even my sparring partners who willingly train with me (while I am only trying to basically tag them) tend to regret it afterwards. It stands to reason someone will build a sparring droid. Even though it has no choice in the matter (unlike my fellow students) will it be exempt so that I may kick it in the face?
Other robots are built for much more violent purposes. War. I can treat war differently, right? If my soldier shoots the semi-intelligent drone trying to ferret out his location, that is just survival. But what if I wipe them all out with an EMP blast? Am I defending myself or creating a new kind of genocide? Is it a war crime?
Did I give unfair consideration to robots?
Earlier in this post I said the assaulted robot "Pepper" was crippled and had brain damage. I was absolutely intentionally anthropomorphizing a machine to give emotional weight to my argument. And at some point I should. At this stage of their evolution, it is probably unfair to say a machine can be injured. This will not always be the case. The classic TNG episode Measure of a Man addresses this future concern. I've even argued the episode's best speech is a call to reconsidering how you treat all beings. Gay, Black, Straight, Vulcan, Cylon. Stop considering yourself better than others.
What about a compromise based on intelligence?
It is okay to hit a humanoid robot if it has the intelligence of a flea? That will be an argument. If it isn't as intelligent as Commander Data, it's just property. Who draws that line? I am more intelligent than many people. Can I hit them? Ignoring that absurdity and bringing it to a more realistic level. It is not okay to beat or kill a person with an IQ of 50, no matter what your IQ is.
I remember reading that an average dog is basically as smart as an average 2 year old. (Knowledgeable is a better term though.) And it is not okay to beat a dog or a two year old. Last year, the dog I had for nearly 15 years of my life died. Sad as it is, that's about all the time we get with them. And at some point I think we may have machines that are as much family to us. Somewhere far above your car, but below your child. Just keep in mind, liking my family more than your family is a human survival instinct. And I think robots may someday be part of our families.
What about nonviolence and crimes involving robots?
Sex robots exist. What might that be like in a decade? If I steal one and use it is that theft? Kidnapping? Rape? In fact, can they ever give consent? Can I program consent?
Conversely, can I program an intelligent robot to commit a crime? Can I brainwash a human to commit a crime? Can I create a human the old fashioned way and either intentionally or unintentionally raise a criminal?
There are more questions here than I have asked. I sincerely apologize for not having the answers. I'm only human.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Ready for Hillary
I wanted to stop ranting about superheroes and various unimportant issues for a moment to rant about Hillary Clinton.
Let me start with her opening ad. Hopefully you saw it. I watched it the first time with my fiancee, and then we looked at each other and said, "what was that?" It was different. It was Americans. Not just white Americans, not just heterosexual Americans, just people from all walks of life. It was us.
Some time later I saw her campaign logo.
Simple. Not as stylized as President Obama's. An arrow pointing to the future, co-opting the red right from the Republican Party. It could have been done in Paint. Someone will eventually come along and make a version with the arrow pointing down- because trying to shame a symbol works so well.
I imagine all the backroom chatter from staunch conservatives will have much more to do with her gender- not openly of course. Just a little under the table. You will hear terms like "bitch" thrown out that would never be used on a male candidate. Which is fine, they called Obama worse. Ultimately, there is going to be a lot of upset over her having a vagina.
They may fire a few shots at former President Clinton. Which would have been appalling if it was any First Lady ever. Can you imagine people trying to shame Laura Bush? (Or George through her?) By now you've gotten used to it from the Republican side with Michelle Obama though.
They will say her name with a sneer, Hillary.That's fine by me to. She chose to run by that name. Hillary. Others have used their first name when running, or even nicknames. It does nothing to lessen her. I do like Ike, I'm glad Harry gave 'em hell.
Eight years as a Senator- actually relatively junior. Four more as Secretary of State. That's good, but I've seen better. The claims as to her being the most qualified are unimportant to me. When Bill Clinton ran, I think the more qualified person was George H.W. Bush. Nevertheless, President Clinton was the right person. Kennedy, same story. Now Hillary is the right person for America.
Let me start with her opening ad. Hopefully you saw it. I watched it the first time with my fiancee, and then we looked at each other and said, "what was that?" It was different. It was Americans. Not just white Americans, not just heterosexual Americans, just people from all walks of life. It was us.
Some time later I saw her campaign logo.
Simple. Not as stylized as President Obama's. An arrow pointing to the future, co-opting the red right from the Republican Party. It could have been done in Paint. Someone will eventually come along and make a version with the arrow pointing down- because trying to shame a symbol works so well.
I imagine all the backroom chatter from staunch conservatives will have much more to do with her gender- not openly of course. Just a little under the table. You will hear terms like "bitch" thrown out that would never be used on a male candidate. Which is fine, they called Obama worse. Ultimately, there is going to be a lot of upset over her having a vagina.
They may fire a few shots at former President Clinton. Which would have been appalling if it was any First Lady ever. Can you imagine people trying to shame Laura Bush? (Or George through her?) By now you've gotten used to it from the Republican side with Michelle Obama though.
They will say her name with a sneer, Hillary.That's fine by me to. She chose to run by that name. Hillary. Others have used their first name when running, or even nicknames. It does nothing to lessen her. I do like Ike, I'm glad Harry gave 'em hell.
Eight years as a Senator- actually relatively junior. Four more as Secretary of State. That's good, but I've seen better. The claims as to her being the most qualified are unimportant to me. When Bill Clinton ran, I think the more qualified person was George H.W. Bush. Nevertheless, President Clinton was the right person. Kennedy, same story. Now Hillary is the right person for America.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Eight Facts you probably didn't know about Reindeer
It's the season of giving so I thought I'd share these. I'm sure some of them are true.
1. Reindeer can see light wavelengths shorter than humans. So Rudolph's nose wasn't the reason he could see on that dark and stormy night. It is also the reason why so many reindeer are used in black ops missions.
2. In honor of Rudolph, the official reindeer martial art considers red to be the top belt. There is a movie popularizing it starring Lorenzo Lamas called Blood Rein: RudeWolf.
3. Despite her name (or maybe because of it!), Vixen once considered joining a convent.
4. The famous poem refers to "eight tiny reindeer" even though adult males can weigh as much as 700 pounds. This is because Santa hoards food. Some say this is the reason the Arctic subspecies of reindeer is extinct.
5. Reindeer and Caribou are the same thing. They don't drink coffee, but if you are in a Caribou Coffee, you can order a snowdrift. Because I am not telling you what that is, anything they bring you will be fine.
6. They can run up to 50 mph. But they can fly faster than sound when they think Santa is going to eat them.
7. Rudolph drank a lot. His nose probably started as just slightly pink, until he was really lit.
8. Reindeer have terrible table manners. They are rude to other reindeer with physical disfigurements. In general, they are not good Christmas guests.
1. Reindeer can see light wavelengths shorter than humans. So Rudolph's nose wasn't the reason he could see on that dark and stormy night. It is also the reason why so many reindeer are used in black ops missions.
2. In honor of Rudolph, the official reindeer martial art considers red to be the top belt. There is a movie popularizing it starring Lorenzo Lamas called Blood Rein: RudeWolf.
3. Despite her name (or maybe because of it!), Vixen once considered joining a convent.
4. The famous poem refers to "eight tiny reindeer" even though adult males can weigh as much as 700 pounds. This is because Santa hoards food. Some say this is the reason the Arctic subspecies of reindeer is extinct.
5. Reindeer and Caribou are the same thing. They don't drink coffee, but if you are in a Caribou Coffee, you can order a snowdrift. Because I am not telling you what that is, anything they bring you will be fine.
6. They can run up to 50 mph. But they can fly faster than sound when they think Santa is going to eat them.
7. Rudolph drank a lot. His nose probably started as just slightly pink, until he was really lit.
8. Reindeer have terrible table manners. They are rude to other reindeer with physical disfigurements. In general, they are not good Christmas guests.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Second Amendment Solution
I have a solution to a bunch of problems, killing several birds with one stone. Conservative men are upset that not enough people are walking around with guns all the time. (I think this is their argument- really most of it is a little unintelligible to me.) Women are worried that we live in a rape culture, and if they bare their arms (or midriffs, etc), they may be a target for rape and harassment. Liberals would like more background checks for guns and better security when mental health is a question.
Here is what we need to do. Openly carry firearms if you meet the following criteria.
1. Clean Background check. With a wait period. If you need a gun RIGHT now, you need a minute to collect your thoughts.
2. No history of mental illness. We will make that part of the background check.
3. A training period, age limit, and test- similar to getting a driver's license. A gun is as dangerous as a car.
4. Mandatory gun owners' insurance. Just like a car. Killing someone causes some expense!
5. Finally, and this one is important, you must be a woman.
The "Men need guns to be manly" objection.
I am sure some people will be upset with my final condition. I am not saying you can't own a gun if you are a man. But carrying in public will be for women. One in five women have been sexually assaulted. 99% of rapists are men. More than 90% of victims are women. (Yes I know these numbers change if you count prison rape- my argument is not to arm prisoners.)
Think of it this way. I walk outside at night. Alone. Wearing whatever is comfortable. Unarmed and unafraid. Some people think they need to carry a gun in Chipotle, I think this isa bit cowardly. The most dangerous thing there is the food. We have seen a few instances where this occurs in baby food aisles and other seemingly low risk locations. Honestly guys. Why so afraid?
If someone attacks me in the grocery store, I can throw a can of green beans. Let's see. 12 ounces, 50 mph- about half the joules delivered as a .22LR. (And no wait period on canned goods.) But if locally sourced weapons are not an okay option for men, I am willing to concede. Men's right to bear arms will include swords not less than 48 inches long and weighing no less that 40 ounces. Swing that sucker with two hands in emergencies.
Men also want "their" women and children to be protected. Solved. Arm the moms, the girlfriends, the loved ones. Women have reason to fear and we can make that go away. If every sane and law-abiding woman I saw on the street was armed and trained in the use of that weapon, I would not fear one bit for my own life.
The "I need my guns in case the government goes nuts" objection.
Some people think they need their guns to overthrow tyrannical dictators. Fair deal. If the government goes nuts, you still have your gun- just take it out of storage. I mean, it is a tyranny after all. Not like they won't just throw you in jail for no reason anyway.
Be forewarned. I was in the military. We had Apache helicopters, F-22 Raptors, Mk 19 grenade launchers, M1A1 tanks, and the nuclear bomb (to name just the quickest few.) No number of shotguns makes you capable of holding your own against our trained soldiers.
The "This is unconstitutional" objection.
The constitution (Article V) says we can change the constitution. If you think women are being given an advantage, consider maybe some sort of equal rights amendment? What exact part of the constitution is being violated here anyway?
Wait! There is still training, wait periods and background checks? Unless you want insane, criminal, untrained people walking around with weapons, this is not a problem.
The "Who are you to decide this" objection.
I am not deciding. Suggesting. Who I am: White male. With daughters. Former military. Decent shot. Good swordsman. Those are my biases.
Here is what we need to do. Openly carry firearms if you meet the following criteria.
1. Clean Background check. With a wait period. If you need a gun RIGHT now, you need a minute to collect your thoughts.
2. No history of mental illness. We will make that part of the background check.
3. A training period, age limit, and test- similar to getting a driver's license. A gun is as dangerous as a car.
4. Mandatory gun owners' insurance. Just like a car. Killing someone causes some expense!
5. Finally, and this one is important, you must be a woman.
The "Men need guns to be manly" objection.
I am sure some people will be upset with my final condition. I am not saying you can't own a gun if you are a man. But carrying in public will be for women. One in five women have been sexually assaulted. 99% of rapists are men. More than 90% of victims are women. (Yes I know these numbers change if you count prison rape- my argument is not to arm prisoners.)
Think of it this way. I walk outside at night. Alone. Wearing whatever is comfortable. Unarmed and unafraid. Some people think they need to carry a gun in Chipotle, I think this is
If someone attacks me in the grocery store, I can throw a can of green beans. Let's see. 12 ounces, 50 mph- about half the joules delivered as a .22LR. (And no wait period on canned goods.) But if locally sourced weapons are not an okay option for men, I am willing to concede. Men's right to bear arms will include swords not less than 48 inches long and weighing no less that 40 ounces. Swing that sucker with two hands in emergencies.
Men also want "their" women and children to be protected. Solved. Arm the moms, the girlfriends, the loved ones. Women have reason to fear and we can make that go away. If every sane and law-abiding woman I saw on the street was armed and trained in the use of that weapon, I would not fear one bit for my own life.
The "I need my guns in case the government goes nuts" objection.
Some people think they need their guns to overthrow tyrannical dictators. Fair deal. If the government goes nuts, you still have your gun- just take it out of storage. I mean, it is a tyranny after all. Not like they won't just throw you in jail for no reason anyway.
Be forewarned. I was in the military. We had Apache helicopters, F-22 Raptors, Mk 19 grenade launchers, M1A1 tanks, and the nuclear bomb (to name just the quickest few.) No number of shotguns makes you capable of holding your own against our trained soldiers.
The "This is unconstitutional" objection.
The constitution (Article V) says we can change the constitution. If you think women are being given an advantage, consider maybe some sort of equal rights amendment? What exact part of the constitution is being violated here anyway?
Wait! There is still training, wait periods and background checks? Unless you want insane, criminal, untrained people walking around with weapons, this is not a problem.
The "Who are you to decide this" objection.
I am not deciding. Suggesting. Who I am: White male. With daughters. Former military. Decent shot. Good swordsman. Those are my biases.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
How to be a Man
No one ever, not even Chuck Norris, was born a man. He once described himself as a shy kid who never excelled at anything in school. Bruce Wayne was a stuffy rich kid whose parents died. Even Captain Kirk, well maybe there are exceptions. Something happens to people in these coming of age stories where they realize it is time to be an adult. And thanks to too many movies, adult males are waiting for something that will likely never happen. No life altering event will make you more manly.
To become something you must do that thing. We are what we do. The cliche is "fake it 'til you make it," but the truth is there as well. Aristotle told us that to have a virtue you must act as though you have that virtue, then it will be yours. So if you keep acting honestly you will become honest. Want to be a runner? Run. It is time to be more manly- act like it.
But what are those traits you should be developing? So many- let's break them down.
You should be able to defend yourself and others. Not just physically, but that is of course the case. No woman wants a man who cries if he gets sucker punched in a bar. I can punch through several inches of wood, in the case an Ent ever attacks me. You also need to be able to defend yourself verbally. This comes into play often in life. Wit is important, but so is being right.
Your actions should set an example for others. When you saw the first Chuck Norris reference you had a role model for manliness. I imagine you have others. They can absolutely be fictional. You aren't fictional. If a child was going to look up to you, why would they? Fairness. Honesty. Courage. Strength. Wisdom... Whatever combination of traits you think are the ones that should be represented, you should be representing. Be the best you.
Keep your stuff clean. Do you think Steve McQueen's car was littered with McDonald's wrappers? Did Bruce Lee's house have a roach problem? NO. Yes, this makes you more attractive to women as well. My college apartment always had one clean room- my bedroom. My roommates may not have worried about a woman coming over a second time, but I sure did.
What comes out of your mouth should be trusted. Keep your promises. Tell the truth. Don't gossip. Again, how ridiculous is the image of Theodore Roosevelt saying, "Did you see what he was wearing?" The idea of of the strong, silent type is better than the catty, dishonest type. If what you have to add isn't true and valuable, keep your mouth shut.
Don't be helpless. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, make life happen for you. Drive your success. Fix that flat tire. Do some damn sit-ups. Go for a run. Asking for help is not weakness, refusal to help yourself absolutely is. It is weak and slovenly. No one owes you anything.
Be passionate. Men care about something other than themselves. That is passion. Women go weak for artists, musicians, poets, and others who show their passion. Trust me, it isn't because they are weepy and emotional- that is not passion. Your passion could be saving the environment or drawing nudes or medieval literature. It almost doesn't matter (it shouldn't be coloring.)
Use your brain. Dumb mistakes, a lack of humor, an inability to read- these are the traits of drunk mice. Everyone, wants people around them who are intelligent. It doesn't mean you have to go out there and learn loop quantum gravity. Just think. Think before you act. Think while you act.
Treat others with respect. Not fawning adoration. Just respect- at least until they prove unworthy. This goes for yourself as well. You are also worthy of respect- go out and earn it. Self confidence and a level of esteem comes from respecting yourself. Once upon a time I was not confident in my ability to speak in public. I was young, tall, intelligent, well read and spoken- yet did not respect those traits enough to have the confidence to stand up in front of a group of strangers. Fortunately, a woman I had a terrible crush on in high school corrected my thinking.
Many of my fiancee's friends have commented on how manly I am. They usually ask what has happened and why aren't men that way anymore. Culturally, I will place the blame in a future entry. The truth is, I behaved as a man until everyone (including me) saw me that way. It can become a habit, which is fine. It isn't a character trait- it is repeated action. Stop waiting for it to happen to you.
To become something you must do that thing. We are what we do. The cliche is "fake it 'til you make it," but the truth is there as well. Aristotle told us that to have a virtue you must act as though you have that virtue, then it will be yours. So if you keep acting honestly you will become honest. Want to be a runner? Run. It is time to be more manly- act like it.
But what are those traits you should be developing? So many- let's break them down.
You should be able to defend yourself and others. Not just physically, but that is of course the case. No woman wants a man who cries if he gets sucker punched in a bar. I can punch through several inches of wood, in the case an Ent ever attacks me. You also need to be able to defend yourself verbally. This comes into play often in life. Wit is important, but so is being right.
Your actions should set an example for others. When you saw the first Chuck Norris reference you had a role model for manliness. I imagine you have others. They can absolutely be fictional. You aren't fictional. If a child was going to look up to you, why would they? Fairness. Honesty. Courage. Strength. Wisdom... Whatever combination of traits you think are the ones that should be represented, you should be representing. Be the best you.
Keep your stuff clean. Do you think Steve McQueen's car was littered with McDonald's wrappers? Did Bruce Lee's house have a roach problem? NO. Yes, this makes you more attractive to women as well. My college apartment always had one clean room- my bedroom. My roommates may not have worried about a woman coming over a second time, but I sure did.
What comes out of your mouth should be trusted. Keep your promises. Tell the truth. Don't gossip. Again, how ridiculous is the image of Theodore Roosevelt saying, "Did you see what he was wearing?" The idea of of the strong, silent type is better than the catty, dishonest type. If what you have to add isn't true and valuable, keep your mouth shut.
Don't be helpless. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, make life happen for you. Drive your success. Fix that flat tire. Do some damn sit-ups. Go for a run. Asking for help is not weakness, refusal to help yourself absolutely is. It is weak and slovenly. No one owes you anything.
Be passionate. Men care about something other than themselves. That is passion. Women go weak for artists, musicians, poets, and others who show their passion. Trust me, it isn't because they are weepy and emotional- that is not passion. Your passion could be saving the environment or drawing nudes or medieval literature. It almost doesn't matter (it shouldn't be coloring.)
Use your brain. Dumb mistakes, a lack of humor, an inability to read- these are the traits of drunk mice. Everyone, wants people around them who are intelligent. It doesn't mean you have to go out there and learn loop quantum gravity. Just think. Think before you act. Think while you act.
Treat others with respect. Not fawning adoration. Just respect- at least until they prove unworthy. This goes for yourself as well. You are also worthy of respect- go out and earn it. Self confidence and a level of esteem comes from respecting yourself. Once upon a time I was not confident in my ability to speak in public. I was young, tall, intelligent, well read and spoken- yet did not respect those traits enough to have the confidence to stand up in front of a group of strangers. Fortunately, a woman I had a terrible crush on in high school corrected my thinking.
Many of my fiancee's friends have commented on how manly I am. They usually ask what has happened and why aren't men that way anymore. Culturally, I will place the blame in a future entry. The truth is, I behaved as a man until everyone (including me) saw me that way. It can become a habit, which is fine. It isn't a character trait- it is repeated action. Stop waiting for it to happen to you.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Revenge of the Sixth
In this internet obsessed society, we can't just have a little fun with something as simple as May the Fourth (be with you) anymore. While a lot of nerds were enjoying Star Wars day, a few people were explaining what was wrong with the movies and vision of George Lucas. Personally, I found their lack of faith disturbing. So I will do what many people do online, anonymously* respond to the well thought out writings and make fun of them for it.
To address a common complaint, (okay mentioned in both articles I read) Star Wars did not ruin Science Fiction. It isn't even in that genre. Seriously. It is a fantasy. A fairy tale. The knights carry swords. They rescue princesses. There are good and evil wizards. Krayt Dragons. Quests. Pirates. Ghosts. It just happens to have a setting in space. Not real space of course. Space where TIE fighters whiz by quite audibly, gravity is constant on every planet and asteroid, and the planets all consist of a single sub-ecosystem. Terminator, Quantum Leap, and Blade Runner are all set on Earth. Space does not equal science fiction.
Star Wars does not represent a better future and view of humanity. First, Star Wars is not set in the future. The moral implications of each are worthy of quite the discussion. (Another day, another blog.) Star Trek is absolutely forward thinking. It often tries to show how petty our racism, greed, violence and darker side can be by taking those very elements, turning them sideways and showing them back to us. And Star Wars is almost religious in its desire to show us the triumph good over evil. We are given examples and explanation of what makes good behavior. Captain Kirk and Obi Wan both influenced my sense of ethics.
Star Wars made people think Sci Fi is a bloated genre of shoot outs at high noon and endless wars. The argument basically goes, "Sci Fi should be about exploration, internally and externally." Firefly, Star Trek, and about a million other pieces of Sci Fi feature armed conflict. So what.
Star Wars is not all about toy sales. In fact, the success of the first movie was so surprising Kenner couldn't even keep up with demand. Now, you can make a Star Wars measuring cup and have it sell out. This is a simple problem of success. Movies are about making money. Why are we so upset when something we don't like is successful? You vote with your dollars. If a movie appeals to children there will be toys. If the movie did its job, they will sell many toys. We can argue that a true artistic vision is not about money, but until the socialist universe of Star Trek actually arrives, cash is king.
I think Pokeman makes a lot of money. Maybe it is Science Fiction. Maybe it is terrible. I don't know and I don't care. Let's be done trying to make people feel bad for liking the things that make them happy.
To address a common complaint, (okay mentioned in both articles I read) Star Wars did not ruin Science Fiction. It isn't even in that genre. Seriously. It is a fantasy. A fairy tale. The knights carry swords. They rescue princesses. There are good and evil wizards. Krayt Dragons. Quests. Pirates. Ghosts. It just happens to have a setting in space. Not real space of course. Space where TIE fighters whiz by quite audibly, gravity is constant on every planet and asteroid, and the planets all consist of a single sub-ecosystem. Terminator, Quantum Leap, and Blade Runner are all set on Earth. Space does not equal science fiction.
Star Wars does not represent a better future and view of humanity. First, Star Wars is not set in the future. The moral implications of each are worthy of quite the discussion. (Another day, another blog.) Star Trek is absolutely forward thinking. It often tries to show how petty our racism, greed, violence and darker side can be by taking those very elements, turning them sideways and showing them back to us. And Star Wars is almost religious in its desire to show us the triumph good over evil. We are given examples and explanation of what makes good behavior. Captain Kirk and Obi Wan both influenced my sense of ethics.
Star Wars made people think Sci Fi is a bloated genre of shoot outs at high noon and endless wars. The argument basically goes, "Sci Fi should be about exploration, internally and externally." Firefly, Star Trek, and about a million other pieces of Sci Fi feature armed conflict. So what.
Star Wars is not all about toy sales. In fact, the success of the first movie was so surprising Kenner couldn't even keep up with demand. Now, you can make a Star Wars measuring cup and have it sell out. This is a simple problem of success. Movies are about making money. Why are we so upset when something we don't like is successful? You vote with your dollars. If a movie appeals to children there will be toys. If the movie did its job, they will sell many toys. We can argue that a true artistic vision is not about money, but until the socialist universe of Star Trek actually arrives, cash is king.
I think Pokeman makes a lot of money. Maybe it is Science Fiction. Maybe it is terrible. I don't know and I don't care. Let's be done trying to make people feel bad for liking the things that make them happy.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Luke Skywalker: Spoiled Rich Kid
We grew up with this image of Luke Skywalker as poor, good-natured farm boy, at odds with the Empire- trying to save the galaxy. And it is totally false.
First, the kid's adopted parents are rich and spoiled the heck out of him. Consider the job. They are moisture farmers on a desert planet. Essentially, they produce the most needed part of life in an environment where it just can't be found. That has got to be worth something. Probably a lot.
Don't believe me? Look at the facts. Uncle Owen's father, Clegg Lars purchased a slave and subsequently married her. All other moral issues aside, that isn't cheap. Of course, I consider droids in Star Wars to be a slave race as well. Uncle Owen was purchasing a couple of those (R2 and 3PO) the day before he died. Also fairly expensive for a "in the moment" purchase. What was he going to do with an astromech droid anyway?
Luke has a landspeeder. His own flying car. Nice, right... and we can be sure it is his. He was absolutely going out "to Tosche Station to pick up power converters." Never did he have to ask to borrow the car. Droids are lost in the desert? No biggie, I'll just hop in my flying car and go looking.
So a teen with a car and likely very rich parents doesn't convince you? "I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 back home." Luke owned a jetfighter, namely a T-16 Skyhopper. A high end model with a LASER CANNON. Sure it was lightly armed, and was best for shooting six foot rats. Oh, and it could go about Mach 1 and fly out of the atmosphere. That's like buying your kid an armed helicopter. Maybe just a Cobra, but still.
Also, who goes out killing two meter womp rats for fun? That would be like driving around shooting cows and leaving them to rot.
Wait, if he had a chopper, why was he driving to find R2? Well, like a lot of spoiled rich kids, he wrecked the sports car. He was screwing around and wrecked it during a race. You see it parked in the garage in the background at the beginning of Episode IV.
So we have to admit he was spoiled. But at least he was always the good guy, right? Nope. Like dear old Daddy he was trying to join the Empire, not the Rebellion. He talks about joining the Academy and running away from the farm. The Rebellion doesn't have an Academy and he doesn't mean Hogwarts. He means the Imperial Academy. To become a pilot- because that's what his friends did.
He really goes with the flow, not really standing up for anything other than hanging out with his friends. (The kind of attachment not allowed a Jedi) They join the Imperial Academy, he wants to as well. Ben wants to save Leia, sure he will go. Blow up a moon-sized space station? If that's what you guys are doing. Sorry Yoda, I have to be done learning to be a Jedi now. My friends are calling.
I doubt he lost a minute of sleep after blowing up the Death Star. Imagine, you blow up one MILLION people. Even if 99% of them are bad people. Then you still killed ten thousand innocents. And really, it wasn't filled with Darth Vaders- just career military, contractors, janitors, hot dog vendors. No, Luke killed tens of thousands of innocent bystanders. To impress a girl.
That is a spoiled rich kid without a moral compass over-compensating if I ever heard it.
First, the kid's adopted parents are rich and spoiled the heck out of him. Consider the job. They are moisture farmers on a desert planet. Essentially, they produce the most needed part of life in an environment where it just can't be found. That has got to be worth something. Probably a lot.
Don't believe me? Look at the facts. Uncle Owen's father, Clegg Lars purchased a slave and subsequently married her. All other moral issues aside, that isn't cheap. Of course, I consider droids in Star Wars to be a slave race as well. Uncle Owen was purchasing a couple of those (R2 and 3PO) the day before he died. Also fairly expensive for a "in the moment" purchase. What was he going to do with an astromech droid anyway?
Luke has a landspeeder. His own flying car. Nice, right... and we can be sure it is his. He was absolutely going out "to Tosche Station to pick up power converters." Never did he have to ask to borrow the car. Droids are lost in the desert? No biggie, I'll just hop in my flying car and go looking.
So a teen with a car and likely very rich parents doesn't convince you? "I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 back home." Luke owned a jetfighter, namely a T-16 Skyhopper. A high end model with a LASER CANNON. Sure it was lightly armed, and was best for shooting six foot rats. Oh, and it could go about Mach 1 and fly out of the atmosphere. That's like buying your kid an armed helicopter. Maybe just a Cobra, but still.
Also, who goes out killing two meter womp rats for fun? That would be like driving around shooting cows and leaving them to rot.
Wait, if he had a chopper, why was he driving to find R2? Well, like a lot of spoiled rich kids, he wrecked the sports car. He was screwing around and wrecked it during a race. You see it parked in the garage in the background at the beginning of Episode IV.
So we have to admit he was spoiled. But at least he was always the good guy, right? Nope. Like dear old Daddy he was trying to join the Empire, not the Rebellion. He talks about joining the Academy and running away from the farm. The Rebellion doesn't have an Academy and he doesn't mean Hogwarts. He means the Imperial Academy. To become a pilot- because that's what his friends did.
He really goes with the flow, not really standing up for anything other than hanging out with his friends. (The kind of attachment not allowed a Jedi) They join the Imperial Academy, he wants to as well. Ben wants to save Leia, sure he will go. Blow up a moon-sized space station? If that's what you guys are doing. Sorry Yoda, I have to be done learning to be a Jedi now. My friends are calling.
I doubt he lost a minute of sleep after blowing up the Death Star. Imagine, you blow up one MILLION people. Even if 99% of them are bad people. Then you still killed ten thousand innocents. And really, it wasn't filled with Darth Vaders- just career military, contractors, janitors, hot dog vendors. No, Luke killed tens of thousands of innocent bystanders. To impress a girl.
That is a spoiled rich kid without a moral compass over-compensating if I ever heard it.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
10 Life hacks for Superheroes
I keep seeing lists of life hacks. And they're great, really. Did you know you can use dental floss to cut cake neatly? I am sure that is why the dentist gives it to you in the first place. And they have so many themes. I've already mentioned one from the kitchen, but they have them for weight loss, folding sheets, your car- almost everything.
Almost.
What if you are a superpowered hero from another world? Or a nocturnal billionaire? Even a mere radiated he-man? Nothing. It's as if being exceptional should just be enough. That's superism, and I have had enough!
It isn't enough to tilt and rail online in the hopes that things change. Be the difference you want to see in the world. So for my genetic and monetarily advantaged brothers (and sisters) I give you this list.
1. Broken Taco Shells. It happens to the best of us. One bite in and now your dinner is a complete mess. Simple Solution: Fly around the world fast enough to reverse the timestream and then start over before it ever broke.
2. Cut off in traffic. On your way to dispatch villainy, when some careless jerk in his Porsche yanks in front of you. Now only a bad guy would take it out on the driver right then. Consider instead using your billions to buy the company where he works. Then move his parking spot to the back of the lot. That will teach him some humility and restore justice.
3. Candlewick is too low to light. And when you try, you get black film all over your hands and suit. Consider using your laser vision to light the wick remotely. Do this one when nobody is around. That fresh linen scent isn't worth your secret identity!
4. Eggshells are sticking to your boiled eggs. The classic solution to this is to add a little baking soda to the water as it boils. Instead of peeling the egg, you crack a little shell from each end. Using your gale force breath, blow into the smaller hole and watch the shelled egg burst free faster than a speeding bullet.
5. Can't find your keys. Advanced studies have shown the most likely place for your keys to be is exactly where you left them. BUT somebody (sidekick) put something down on top of them, obscuring your vision. Merely use your x-ray vision to look under the clutter.
6. Can't find your invisible <whatever.> Maybe it's your jet, car, cloak, or ring. This is why they invented blind acrobat sidekicks! They never saw your invisible thing in the first place. Count on them to do something useful for once in their crime fighting career. Also, there are phone apps to help.
7. Forgot the bait? Fishing trips with the League are the best! But in a fit of irony Robin refuses to dig up the worms. Use your mental command over sea life to lure them into your boat. The only ones who know you betrayed their trust will be in the skillet tonight.
8. Car won't start. This one is always an upsetting start to the morning. Normally, you call a tow truck and sit there near tears, becoming ever more late for work, then fork over a wad of cash. From there it goes to the mechanic who charges you even more and you pay for anything he can tack on. How expensive! Don't sweat it. Pick up the car, fly it to the mechanic and continue on to work. When you go to pick it up, borrow a truth serum, lasso or mind controlling friend to ensure you are not being swindled.
9. Tangled computer cords. At best these are an eyesore. At worst, they can be a major trip and fire hazard. Line up the offending cables perfectly just once. Spray them with your web goop. They will stay in place and reduce the flies in your tiny one bedroom apartment.
10. Want to protect your valuables at the beach? Place them under an object too heavy to be lifted. If you are one of those without unlimited strength, just cover them with your super suit. Not only will your valuables be hidden, but most humans wouldn't dare steal from someone who could shred them with adamantium claws!
Many mere human life hacks can work as well. Don't be afraid to try them. But not the floss cake thing. It is overrated.
Almost.
What if you are a superpowered hero from another world? Or a nocturnal billionaire? Even a mere radiated he-man? Nothing. It's as if being exceptional should just be enough. That's superism, and I have had enough!
It isn't enough to tilt and rail online in the hopes that things change. Be the difference you want to see in the world. So for my genetic and monetarily advantaged brothers (and sisters) I give you this list.
1. Broken Taco Shells. It happens to the best of us. One bite in and now your dinner is a complete mess. Simple Solution: Fly around the world fast enough to reverse the timestream and then start over before it ever broke.
2. Cut off in traffic. On your way to dispatch villainy, when some careless jerk in his Porsche yanks in front of you. Now only a bad guy would take it out on the driver right then. Consider instead using your billions to buy the company where he works. Then move his parking spot to the back of the lot. That will teach him some humility and restore justice.
3. Candlewick is too low to light. And when you try, you get black film all over your hands and suit. Consider using your laser vision to light the wick remotely. Do this one when nobody is around. That fresh linen scent isn't worth your secret identity!
4. Eggshells are sticking to your boiled eggs. The classic solution to this is to add a little baking soda to the water as it boils. Instead of peeling the egg, you crack a little shell from each end. Using your gale force breath, blow into the smaller hole and watch the shelled egg burst free faster than a speeding bullet.
5. Can't find your keys. Advanced studies have shown the most likely place for your keys to be is exactly where you left them. BUT somebody (sidekick) put something down on top of them, obscuring your vision. Merely use your x-ray vision to look under the clutter.
6. Can't find your invisible <whatever.> Maybe it's your jet, car, cloak, or ring. This is why they invented blind acrobat sidekicks! They never saw your invisible thing in the first place. Count on them to do something useful for once in their crime fighting career. Also, there are phone apps to help.
7. Forgot the bait? Fishing trips with the League are the best! But in a fit of irony Robin refuses to dig up the worms. Use your mental command over sea life to lure them into your boat. The only ones who know you betrayed their trust will be in the skillet tonight.
8. Car won't start. This one is always an upsetting start to the morning. Normally, you call a tow truck and sit there near tears, becoming ever more late for work, then fork over a wad of cash. From there it goes to the mechanic who charges you even more and you pay for anything he can tack on. How expensive! Don't sweat it. Pick up the car, fly it to the mechanic and continue on to work. When you go to pick it up, borrow a truth serum, lasso or mind controlling friend to ensure you are not being swindled.
9. Tangled computer cords. At best these are an eyesore. At worst, they can be a major trip and fire hazard. Line up the offending cables perfectly just once. Spray them with your web goop. They will stay in place and reduce the flies in your tiny one bedroom apartment.
10. Want to protect your valuables at the beach? Place them under an object too heavy to be lifted. If you are one of those without unlimited strength, just cover them with your super suit. Not only will your valuables be hidden, but most humans wouldn't dare steal from someone who could shred them with adamantium claws!
Many mere human life hacks can work as well. Don't be afraid to try them. But not the floss cake thing. It is overrated.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Where do I turn when I need answers?
When we first were dating, my fiancee felt like her son should start learning to type. I said typing would start going away. Now that typing has actually started going away, this seems obvious. But back when she and I both had BlackBerry cell phones and full keyboards were pretty standard, this was not so clear. Swype, Voice to text, gesture based word generation and even mind reading to text are all on the rise. Thus began a pattern of her asking how I think the future will unfold.
A few nights ago, the same lovely woman asked me a seemingly ridiculous question. What will religion be like in 1000 years? Spoiler alert: I have a snarky answer.
Let me begin by saying I have flown on an airplane. I did not see any bearded men in the clouds. It is my belief that this solar system was formed from a nebula four and half billion years ago (ish) and that the elements in my body come from the nucleosynthesis of an earlier generation of stars. I am star dust. The universe is an awe-inspiring, magnificent place. There are many studies which show atheists to be on average more compassionate, more intelligent, and less imprisoned than their religious peers. The latter may just mean they get caught significantly less... But Supreme Court Justice Scalia recently likened atheism to following the devil's desires. Meaning he missed the part where we are putting religious people in jail for violating the law and evil atheists walk free among us. Though he also said that the devil is real because Jesus believed in him. To me, this is declaring The Joker to be real because Batman has met him.
Priests are getting their hands caught in the wrong pants (any pants) and many more people report going to church on Sunday than churches have seats. Religion is not quite dead yet. But it may be getting there.
I want you to think about where you turn for answers. Seriously. Anytime you have a question where do you go? The G word. Google.
I want you to think about who knows you best. The things you like. The naughty things you do. Where you are. Who your friends really are. Yes, the all seeing is again Google.
And despite those naughty things, who loves you anyway? Who is willing to show you the answers anyway? Tries to never lead you astray? Brings you music, entertainment, news? Helps you find dinner, love, live happier and longer? When your head is bowed and the rest of the world is drowned out, are you praying to God or surfing from your smartphone? (The device which essentially has made you more knowledgeable and more powerful than generations of humans, praise be.)
How will this revolution be remembered when Google's creators are a mere memory? Sorry Sergey and Larry. Some will state firmly that yes, while Google existed and did great things for the era, it was only a Search Engine. And Browser. And OS. Others may just point to its humble beginnings. The new paradigm ushered in during its rule. The power being returned to the hands of the people. They may see a second coming. Or the first coming of something symbolic of much more than a return of Jesus.
Google's namesake, Googol is a BIG number. It is 1 followed by 100 zeros (think about that, a billion is 1 followed by nine zeros) . When we see this period of accelerated change in technology, communication and capability for the common man reflected in 1000 years, we may see Google as the 1. We are just the zeros following.
A few nights ago, the same lovely woman asked me a seemingly ridiculous question. What will religion be like in 1000 years? Spoiler alert: I have a snarky answer.
Let me begin by saying I have flown on an airplane. I did not see any bearded men in the clouds. It is my belief that this solar system was formed from a nebula four and half billion years ago (ish) and that the elements in my body come from the nucleosynthesis of an earlier generation of stars. I am star dust. The universe is an awe-inspiring, magnificent place. There are many studies which show atheists to be on average more compassionate, more intelligent, and less imprisoned than their religious peers. The latter may just mean they get caught significantly less... But Supreme Court Justice Scalia recently likened atheism to following the devil's desires. Meaning he missed the part where we are putting religious people in jail for violating the law and evil atheists walk free among us. Though he also said that the devil is real because Jesus believed in him. To me, this is declaring The Joker to be real because Batman has met him.
Priests are getting their hands caught in the wrong pants (any pants) and many more people report going to church on Sunday than churches have seats. Religion is not quite dead yet. But it may be getting there.
I want you to think about where you turn for answers. Seriously. Anytime you have a question where do you go? The G word. Google.
I want you to think about who knows you best. The things you like. The naughty things you do. Where you are. Who your friends really are. Yes, the all seeing is again Google.
And despite those naughty things, who loves you anyway? Who is willing to show you the answers anyway? Tries to never lead you astray? Brings you music, entertainment, news? Helps you find dinner, love, live happier and longer? When your head is bowed and the rest of the world is drowned out, are you praying to God or surfing from your smartphone? (The device which essentially has made you more knowledgeable and more powerful than generations of humans, praise be.)
How will this revolution be remembered when Google's creators are a mere memory? Sorry Sergey and Larry. Some will state firmly that yes, while Google existed and did great things for the era, it was only a Search Engine. And Browser. And OS. Others may just point to its humble beginnings. The new paradigm ushered in during its rule. The power being returned to the hands of the people. They may see a second coming. Or the first coming of something symbolic of much more than a return of Jesus.
Google's namesake, Googol is a BIG number. It is 1 followed by 100 zeros (think about that, a billion is 1 followed by nine zeros) . When we see this period of accelerated change in technology, communication and capability for the common man reflected in 1000 years, we may see Google as the 1. We are just the zeros following.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Do I look fat in this? (and answers to other questions women ask)
You and your woman are getting ready to go out. Let me revise that. You are ready, sitting in your favorite chair, trying not to get crumbs on yourself while you wait for her. She walks out dressed and theoretically ready to go. Then she asks any of the following:
1. Does this make me look fat? The logically correct answer is, "No. Fat makes you look fat. Dresses make you look dressed. Ready to go?" BUT DON'T SAY THAT. If you want to leave now, say instead- "No, you look great- let's go." If you want to get laid now or later try, "You look amazing. I'm going to tear that dress off of you now or later. Probably now." With a great relationship, you can tell her the truth. "You look great, but aren't going to like how that one makes your 'fill in the blank' look"
2. Do these shoes go with this? You don't know, do you? No one who matters cares about her shoes anyway. You can say, "Look at how I dress. Do you really want me to decide what matches?" Often I just say, "Are they comfortable enough to wear the whole time?" (See, because now you are showing you care more about how she feels than how she looks. Further, you don't want to hear how much her feet hurt when you are out trying to have a fun night. Finally, while I prefer the thigh high, black leather heeled dominatrix boots, apparently "they are not appropriate for every occasion.")
3. Is this too revealing? Tricky right? What is too revealing? The exact right amount of revealing is enough that the other men are jealous, but not so much that I end up in a fist fight when someone gets touchy. So think of your most lecherous friend. The Captain Kirk of your crew. If he saw a woman dressed as your loved one currently is, would he make a move? Yes? Too revealing. It is not bad to say yes. That protective little jealous urge is something she wants you to feel. But is it too revealing? Only if she thinks it is. Your job is to protect her, even if she's nude.
Congratulations. You made it out and back and had a great time. Hopefully post-coitus she asks more of the trap questions.
4. What are you thinking about? If I wanted you to know I'd have been talking. (Don't say that.) I prefer something like, "Why do some fundamental particles have mass when the intrinsic symmetries which govern their interactions seem to require they be massless? You know, just Higgs Boson stuff baby." Under no circumstances say, "I was just thinking about how much I love you." Unless you truly were and are prepared to answer the next question.
5. Why do you love me? Well hell. She went there. As if you have mapped this out. This explanation should never reference dopamine or serotonin. The truth is you find her attractive, enjoy spending time with her and she usually puts up with your bullshit. Tell her all of that.
6. I saw you talking to Maria (insert whatever name works) at the party. Do you think she's cute? Yes. you do. That's part of the reason you talked to her while she obsessed about whatever thing happened at work. And right now your significant other is most likely NOT asking to see if you want her to come over. Your girl isn't stupid. Don't lie. I like to balance the good with the bad in this case. I might say, "Yes, but she never stops complaining about work," or "She's pretty, but she has nothing on you." Other woman can be attractive. Be a virile male, not a jerk. She doesn't expect you to no longer have a sex drive.
7. What are we doing tonight? You have preferences but really don't care right? She cares and has preferences but wants you to be a man. So this is hard. Stop trying to please her with a "What do you want to do?" Have a plan. Three actually. Each plan has three steps. You can think of nine things that you both enjoy. Just don't do the same one every night, unless she is turned on by lazy and unoriginal.
Sample A: I was thinking dinner at Avanti's, then we pick up a bottle of wine and take it to the park, from there we walk to a good dark picnic spot, share some drinks and fool around.
Sample B: How about we just make a couple of sandwiches, cuddle up on the couch, and watch that new show you recorded?
8. Where is this relationship going? The dreaded question. It's a relationship. Not a photon. It doesn't have to be going somewhere. Enjoy it for what it is. She wants to know that you are committed to her and the next steps. Dating to moving in to engagement to marriage to children to taking care of her in old age. I can't tell you how to answer this one, because it is your damn romance. Is she your soulmate? Fun but not a keeper? But I will tell you this. Do NOT ever put this question back on her to answer for you.
1. Does this make me look fat? The logically correct answer is, "No. Fat makes you look fat. Dresses make you look dressed. Ready to go?" BUT DON'T SAY THAT. If you want to leave now, say instead- "No, you look great- let's go." If you want to get laid now or later try, "You look amazing. I'm going to tear that dress off of you now or later. Probably now." With a great relationship, you can tell her the truth. "You look great, but aren't going to like how that one makes your 'fill in the blank' look"
2. Do these shoes go with this? You don't know, do you? No one who matters cares about her shoes anyway. You can say, "Look at how I dress. Do you really want me to decide what matches?" Often I just say, "Are they comfortable enough to wear the whole time?" (See, because now you are showing you care more about how she feels than how she looks. Further, you don't want to hear how much her feet hurt when you are out trying to have a fun night. Finally, while I prefer the thigh high, black leather heeled dominatrix boots, apparently "they are not appropriate for every occasion.")
3. Is this too revealing? Tricky right? What is too revealing? The exact right amount of revealing is enough that the other men are jealous, but not so much that I end up in a fist fight when someone gets touchy. So think of your most lecherous friend. The Captain Kirk of your crew. If he saw a woman dressed as your loved one currently is, would he make a move? Yes? Too revealing. It is not bad to say yes. That protective little jealous urge is something she wants you to feel. But is it too revealing? Only if she thinks it is. Your job is to protect her, even if she's nude.
Congratulations. You made it out and back and had a great time. Hopefully post-coitus she asks more of the trap questions.
4. What are you thinking about? If I wanted you to know I'd have been talking. (Don't say that.) I prefer something like, "Why do some fundamental particles have mass when the intrinsic symmetries which govern their interactions seem to require they be massless? You know, just Higgs Boson stuff baby." Under no circumstances say, "I was just thinking about how much I love you." Unless you truly were and are prepared to answer the next question.
5. Why do you love me? Well hell. She went there. As if you have mapped this out. This explanation should never reference dopamine or serotonin. The truth is you find her attractive, enjoy spending time with her and she usually puts up with your bullshit. Tell her all of that.
6. I saw you talking to Maria (insert whatever name works) at the party. Do you think she's cute? Yes. you do. That's part of the reason you talked to her while she obsessed about whatever thing happened at work. And right now your significant other is most likely NOT asking to see if you want her to come over. Your girl isn't stupid. Don't lie. I like to balance the good with the bad in this case. I might say, "Yes, but she never stops complaining about work," or "She's pretty, but she has nothing on you." Other woman can be attractive. Be a virile male, not a jerk. She doesn't expect you to no longer have a sex drive.
7. What are we doing tonight? You have preferences but really don't care right? She cares and has preferences but wants you to be a man. So this is hard. Stop trying to please her with a "What do you want to do?" Have a plan. Three actually. Each plan has three steps. You can think of nine things that you both enjoy. Just don't do the same one every night, unless she is turned on by lazy and unoriginal.
Sample A: I was thinking dinner at Avanti's, then we pick up a bottle of wine and take it to the park, from there we walk to a good dark picnic spot, share some drinks and fool around.
Sample B: How about we just make a couple of sandwiches, cuddle up on the couch, and watch that new show you recorded?
8. Where is this relationship going? The dreaded question. It's a relationship. Not a photon. It doesn't have to be going somewhere. Enjoy it for what it is. She wants to know that you are committed to her and the next steps. Dating to moving in to engagement to marriage to children to taking care of her in old age. I can't tell you how to answer this one, because it is your damn romance. Is she your soulmate? Fun but not a keeper? But I will tell you this. Do NOT ever put this question back on her to answer for you.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
The Virtue of Laziness
Genghis Khan said (in a quote paraphrased by Bill Gates),“I always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job because he will find an easy way to do it." And Khan Noonien Singh said, "Captain, Captain, Captain... save your strength."
Time and again I have told my students laziness is a virtue. And it is. But I must also be clear here. Failure to accomplish something (at all or on time) because you didn't want to work on it isn't laziness. It's just failure. I define laziness as being unwilling to do work or expend energy. Several dictionaries agree with me.
Well, they likely agree with me. The nearest dictionary is waaaaay over there. So I just Googled it.
An unwillingness to expend energy forces creativity and efficiency. I insist that matches were invented by someone too lazy to rub sticks together; heaters were invented by someone too lazy to strike a match. If necessity is the mother of invention, laziness is the dead beat dad. Rollaboard luggage, the kind with two wheels and a handle, is incredibly common. It wasn't invented by someone too weak to push the four wheeled luggage already in existence. Instead, a US pilot thought two wheels would be easier.
Finding an easier way of doing something is great for everyone. If anything, we seem to repeatedly prove in America that easier means you have time for more things. Usually more work. A greater variety of tasks. More volume. Laziness is almost self defeating in that sense, but we can "lazy down" more tasks until we finally get some time off. Maybe.
Imagine picking up a phone and calling 50 people a day from a list. Further imagine a fairly standard conversion rate at 1%. You could reach someone for an eventual sale every two days. Not bad!
But also not good. If I want to sell something, why not call the five people who want it? Heck, if I call one person a day, I am doing twice as well as I was before. And if I NEED to reach out to fifty people, there is email for that. One mail merge later, and my work for today is complete.
Laziness also builds perception. Not only do you have to learn to pay attention to where you are wasting energy, but you must also learn to keep tabs on your boss and snitching co-workers. Can't get busted doing as much work in less time!
Oh, a part of you cringed. "But I SHOULD be working hard." The Puritan Work Ethic is a theological concept. The idea being hard work, diligence, and thrift are a way to show your salvation through Christianity. Because this country was founded by these religious zealots, we have this deeply ingrained mistaken belief.
Let me clear it up for you. The work is NOT more valuable than the result. And I am no Puritan.
Time and again I have told my students laziness is a virtue. And it is. But I must also be clear here. Failure to accomplish something (at all or on time) because you didn't want to work on it isn't laziness. It's just failure. I define laziness as being unwilling to do work or expend energy. Several dictionaries agree with me.
Well, they likely agree with me. The nearest dictionary is waaaaay over there. So I just Googled it.
An unwillingness to expend energy forces creativity and efficiency. I insist that matches were invented by someone too lazy to rub sticks together; heaters were invented by someone too lazy to strike a match. If necessity is the mother of invention, laziness is the dead beat dad. Rollaboard luggage, the kind with two wheels and a handle, is incredibly common. It wasn't invented by someone too weak to push the four wheeled luggage already in existence. Instead, a US pilot thought two wheels would be easier.
Finding an easier way of doing something is great for everyone. If anything, we seem to repeatedly prove in America that easier means you have time for more things. Usually more work. A greater variety of tasks. More volume. Laziness is almost self defeating in that sense, but we can "lazy down" more tasks until we finally get some time off. Maybe.
Imagine picking up a phone and calling 50 people a day from a list. Further imagine a fairly standard conversion rate at 1%. You could reach someone for an eventual sale every two days. Not bad!
But also not good. If I want to sell something, why not call the five people who want it? Heck, if I call one person a day, I am doing twice as well as I was before. And if I NEED to reach out to fifty people, there is email for that. One mail merge later, and my work for today is complete.
Laziness also builds perception. Not only do you have to learn to pay attention to where you are wasting energy, but you must also learn to keep tabs on your boss and snitching co-workers. Can't get busted doing as much work in less time!
Oh, a part of you cringed. "But I SHOULD be working hard." The Puritan Work Ethic is a theological concept. The idea being hard work, diligence, and thrift are a way to show your salvation through Christianity. Because this country was founded by these religious zealots, we have this deeply ingrained mistaken belief.
Let me clear it up for you. The work is NOT more valuable than the result. And I am no Puritan.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Ad astra per aspera
This weekend I was gifted with a visit from my dad and step-mom. In addition to the obvious things, (renaissance faire, pool party, martini fueled late night conversations) we went to the planetarium.
We caught a show powered largely by the Sloan Digital Sky Survey. This is my favorite new survey, way better than a telemarketing based one. It got me to thinking about visiting with the nearby alien civilizations. Let's discuss, but first some facts.
The Milky Way is about 100,000 light years across. In perspective, if our whole solar system was the size of a grain of sand, the Milky Way would be bigger than a football field. It contains at least 100 billion stars.
The nearest star is about 24 trillion miles away. The fastest currently proposed space vessel should hit 450,000 miles per hour. By my math, that means a trip there would take 6088 years. I am unlikely to live that long.
Keeping just to the local neighborhood (which I will call within 16 light years or a quick 24,000 years at best current speed) there are 64 stars and four brown dwarf stars. This local area is key, if you ask me. It seems reasonable that these stars would be approximately the same age as our sun. This means solar systems with similar metal and element content. Carbon, iron- the good stuff.
Molten iron gives me a magnetic field around my planet which is great for reducing radiation. Just ask Mars. Iron carries oxygen in my blood and makes an industrial age considerable more likely. Not that dolphins aren't smart, but I would like to meet an alien which has conquered fire. Yes, it is a prejudice.
Stop asking why we aren't hearing these local aliens with SETI. If they exist and are a mere 100 years behind us, radio is invented but not very powerful. If they are 1000 years behind us, they are enjoying the Middle Ages. 10,000 years (a galactic blink of an eye) and they are developing agriculture. If they are ahead of us, radio is outdated.
But still we need a warp drive. Particularly if we need to expand our search to the nearest 100 stars. Or 1000. So essentially I am saying, can we quit talking about Honey Boo Boo, Jesus on a grilled cheese, and McMonopoly long enough to fund and innovate faster than light travel? The aliens are starting to think we are immature, violent little jerks anyway.
It will be very good for the economy. I promise. (Then we can show the aliens who the jerks are!)
We caught a show powered largely by the Sloan Digital Sky Survey. This is my favorite new survey, way better than a telemarketing based one. It got me to thinking about visiting with the nearby alien civilizations. Let's discuss, but first some facts.
The Milky Way is about 100,000 light years across. In perspective, if our whole solar system was the size of a grain of sand, the Milky Way would be bigger than a football field. It contains at least 100 billion stars.
The nearest star is about 24 trillion miles away. The fastest currently proposed space vessel should hit 450,000 miles per hour. By my math, that means a trip there would take 6088 years. I am unlikely to live that long.
Keeping just to the local neighborhood (which I will call within 16 light years or a quick 24,000 years at best current speed) there are 64 stars and four brown dwarf stars. This local area is key, if you ask me. It seems reasonable that these stars would be approximately the same age as our sun. This means solar systems with similar metal and element content. Carbon, iron- the good stuff.
Molten iron gives me a magnetic field around my planet which is great for reducing radiation. Just ask Mars. Iron carries oxygen in my blood and makes an industrial age considerable more likely. Not that dolphins aren't smart, but I would like to meet an alien which has conquered fire. Yes, it is a prejudice.
Stop asking why we aren't hearing these local aliens with SETI. If they exist and are a mere 100 years behind us, radio is invented but not very powerful. If they are 1000 years behind us, they are enjoying the Middle Ages. 10,000 years (a galactic blink of an eye) and they are developing agriculture. If they are ahead of us, radio is outdated.
But still we need a warp drive. Particularly if we need to expand our search to the nearest 100 stars. Or 1000. So essentially I am saying, can we quit talking about Honey Boo Boo, Jesus on a grilled cheese, and McMonopoly long enough to fund and innovate faster than light travel? The aliens are starting to think we are immature, violent little jerks anyway.
It will be very good for the economy. I promise. (Then we can show the aliens who the jerks are!)
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Better with age
I'm not going to lie to you. At least not in this moment, no promises on later. I find young women attractive. Twenty-two years old, everything is still pointing upward. They are probably in the best shape they will ever be. It is easy to look like a Victoria's Secret cover at this age.
But here's the thing. That's about it. That is the big advantage of younger women.
Those physical imperfections we all have? An older woman may see them as character. Her imperfections make me more comfortable with my own. Maybe mine do the same for her. In either case, the best sex comes from a woman over thirty. Less hang ups over her body. Less inhibitions. More skills. More experimental. Way more sex drive.
You know who knows how to give a complement? Older women. Young women don't tell you when they think you have nice eyes. They expect to be lavished with complements but rarely think of returning any. At LEAST ninety percent of the physical complements I have gotten in my life have come in the last five years. Either I am getting better with age (untrue, see paragraph one) or an older woman is enough less self-obsessed as to be able to remark on something other than the size of your wallet. Noah Brand made a good point about this here.
In my thirties I spent some time dating women in their twenties. At a decade younger than me, there was a 50% chance they could navigate conversation well. Be at least slightly interesting. Share some common ground. Disagree on a matter of political, religious or cultural thought without it devolving into the end of a relationship. At thirty years old, my chances of good conversation increased to 80%. Add a decade and we are hitting 90%. My guess is that is where we top out. No matter the age, some people just can't be interesting.
A twentysomething wants you to listen to her music. An older woman is okay if you don't like her music. Frankly, she doesn't need to give a damn. The same is true of her books and movies and so on. It is all about being comfortable in her skin. And the chances of similar tastes are so much better.
You know who is about my age? Christina Hendricks. You know who else isn't twenty and gets my jokes? Olivia Munn. I'd sit down for drinks with either one of them before any number of Miley Cyrus clones. Because eww.
But here's the thing. That's about it. That is the big advantage of younger women.
Those physical imperfections we all have? An older woman may see them as character. Her imperfections make me more comfortable with my own. Maybe mine do the same for her. In either case, the best sex comes from a woman over thirty. Less hang ups over her body. Less inhibitions. More skills. More experimental. Way more sex drive.
You know who knows how to give a complement? Older women. Young women don't tell you when they think you have nice eyes. They expect to be lavished with complements but rarely think of returning any. At LEAST ninety percent of the physical complements I have gotten in my life have come in the last five years. Either I am getting better with age (untrue, see paragraph one) or an older woman is enough less self-obsessed as to be able to remark on something other than the size of your wallet. Noah Brand made a good point about this here.
In my thirties I spent some time dating women in their twenties. At a decade younger than me, there was a 50% chance they could navigate conversation well. Be at least slightly interesting. Share some common ground. Disagree on a matter of political, religious or cultural thought without it devolving into the end of a relationship. At thirty years old, my chances of good conversation increased to 80%. Add a decade and we are hitting 90%. My guess is that is where we top out. No matter the age, some people just can't be interesting.
A twentysomething wants you to listen to her music. An older woman is okay if you don't like her music. Frankly, she doesn't need to give a damn. The same is true of her books and movies and so on. It is all about being comfortable in her skin. And the chances of similar tastes are so much better.
You know who is about my age? Christina Hendricks. You know who else isn't twenty and gets my jokes? Olivia Munn. I'd sit down for drinks with either one of them before any number of Miley Cyrus clones. Because eww.
Monday, July 29, 2013
You don't need to know anything.
Rembrandt was born in 1606 in what was the Dutch Republic, but is now the Netherlands. Two minutes ago I didn't know that. With a wave of my magic wand (actually The Big Red Laptop) I found the info. No need to suffer the gap between knowing and not knowing. A comedian recently stated this means the time between knowing and not-knowing is so short as to make them essentially the same. So I posit, is that such a bad thing?
Smartphones, smartwatches, smartglasses, smartcontacts, Gibson-esque nanotech brain implants... I'd say the ability to access any piece of human knowledge on the go is here to stay. (Barring zombie apocalypse. Those guys ruin everything.) I graduated from college without Google. We actually had to know stuff.
Plato was a student of Socrates. Aristotle was a student of Plato. They laid the foundation of western thought. I've known that for twenty years, thanks to Mrs. Mishler and her class on Philosophy. But is knowing facts so important? The sky is blue. Big fucking deal. Nitrogen in the atmosphere scatters the light in the blue wavelength. Now you know. Thanks Mr. Ganske, and 8th grade science teachers everywhere.
But knowing stuff is easy. It is also nearly instantaneous and fairly accurate. Yet we are graduating students through school- based on the idea that knowing stuff will make you successful and therefore you must know x,y, and z to graduate. Then you graduate and clumsily look up all the stuff you forgot when you need it most. A movement started by Simon has destroyed our minds and educational system.
Not to worry, I have a solution. We just stop teaching things you should know. Seriously. How about we teach stuff you do?
How about logic to think more effectively?
Languages
Search techniques (I'm biased there.)
Martial arts
Programming
Cooking and sewing even
Driving
Art and Music
Balancing a checkbook
Then later if you need to know when the American Civil War happened, you can buy a smartphone with your balanced checkbook and look it up with your advanced search skills. A world full of people who know how to do things is more valuable than one where we merely know things.
Dinosaurs like me who learned tons of facts and can recall with clarity will act superior for about a decade and we will still beat you at Trivial Pursuit. Feel bad about it all the way to your piloting lesson.
Smartphones, smartwatches, smartglasses, smartcontacts, Gibson-esque nanotech brain implants... I'd say the ability to access any piece of human knowledge on the go is here to stay. (Barring zombie apocalypse. Those guys ruin everything.) I graduated from college without Google. We actually had to know stuff.
Plato was a student of Socrates. Aristotle was a student of Plato. They laid the foundation of western thought. I've known that for twenty years, thanks to Mrs. Mishler and her class on Philosophy. But is knowing facts so important? The sky is blue. Big fucking deal. Nitrogen in the atmosphere scatters the light in the blue wavelength. Now you know. Thanks Mr. Ganske, and 8th grade science teachers everywhere.
But knowing stuff is easy. It is also nearly instantaneous and fairly accurate. Yet we are graduating students through school- based on the idea that knowing stuff will make you successful and therefore you must know x,y, and z to graduate. Then you graduate and clumsily look up all the stuff you forgot when you need it most. A movement started by Simon has destroyed our minds and educational system.
Not to worry, I have a solution. We just stop teaching things you should know. Seriously. How about we teach stuff you do?
How about logic to think more effectively?
Languages
Search techniques (I'm biased there.)
Martial arts
Programming
Cooking and sewing even
Driving
Art and Music
Balancing a checkbook
Then later if you need to know when the American Civil War happened, you can buy a smartphone with your balanced checkbook and look it up with your advanced search skills. A world full of people who know how to do things is more valuable than one where we merely know things.
Dinosaurs like me who learned tons of facts and can recall with clarity will act superior for about a decade and we will still beat you at Trivial Pursuit. Feel bad about it all the way to your piloting lesson.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
The Early Bird Eats Worms
You've heard "The early bird gets the worm." With my three hours of sleep last night I have decided to contest this little nugget. First, yuck. Worms. Here is what the night owl gets. Other birds. While that early riser eats worms, the owl (not even in bed yet) swoops down and devours him like a KFC bucket. True story.
(I have eaten wings at midnight. So has Batman. Enjoy your worms.)
I've also heard that you can not catch up on sleep debt. Bullshit. Seriously. No one is collecting this debt. Take a nap if you are tired. It will not be rejected by the Sandman due to his requirement for you only pay on time. Somebody coined the clever little phrase "sleep debt" to make you afraid of not getting enough rest. Fear not. There is no lien. Just lean on a comfy couch and get what you need. It makes me think of charging your phone. Imagine if someone said, "if you don't charge it all the way now- you will never be able to charge it all the way again!" You would likely smack that person. And they should keep their eyes on their own phone anyway. This crap is private.
Early to bed and early to rise makes Ben Franklin healthy, wealthy and wise. Yet late to bed is a sign of creatives. Programmers, artists, inventors, writers and the like are more often most productive in the evening hours. Yes they may be starving artists, but they save a lot on Starbucks.
Less sleep has been correlated to weight gain. Who wants to be fat and tired? I prefer plump and alert. Or slim and alert when I can get it.
Sleeping has been shown to improve memory, long term retention, and learning. So without enough you are fat, tired and stupid. This makes the "Why am I so tired?" question unsolvable; you are incapable of figuring out how to figure out the answer to your question and too fat to type it into Google.
While all of these things are great reasons to sleep in. I have a final thought to convince you. Sometimes, with a combination of booze and/or late hours we do something we know we will regret in the morning. You can either stop doing those things (boring) or you can SHORTEN YOUR MORNING. It has now been scientifically proven that people who sleep in have less morning. Less time for regret. The math may be complicated if you are tired, but sleep on it. You can thank me in the afternoon.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
NASA and the USAF wage war on teens
About a week ago, news was served up hot and fresh about the $125,000 spent by NASA to develop the ability to 3D print pizza. Now I hear that Domino's (okay not the USAF, but still...) has developed the technology to deliver pizza via drone. When you combine these two you can almost fully take people out of the pepperoni process.
I think the moral implications of putting 17 year old boys out of work and replacing them with robots are obvious. But just in case you don't make the same leaps I do, let me spell them out.
Teenage boys are good at two things. Being horny and causing destructive mischief. I know this not just because I was one, but actually knew many. We are all the same; prank calling pizzas to your house, trying to take your daughter someplace alone, bashing mailboxes from automobiles. The list goes on, but I think you get it.
So, now without his hard earned pizza money (mine was from now bankrupt favorite, Pizza World out of Normal, Illinois.) The poor teen boy can no longer afford a vehicle or gas to bash your mailbox, has no way of taking your daughter on a date and the voice at Domino's sounds like Dr. Hawking. Violence is likely.
That's right. These sexually frustrated and occupationally abandoned boys are going to start attacking drones. Just for sport. For kicks. At first they will be successful too. The unarmed and very basically navigated drones will be easy prey. So they will be upgraded.
The ability to dodge and reroute themselves comes first of course. Then better defenses as the sport becomes too enthusiastic. Ultimately armed drones will deliver pizza and death throughout the suburbs.
The manufacturer of these drones (I imagine named something like CyberDyner) will construct PieNet, the first Artificial Intelligence capable of delivering everything except extra anchovies. That still needs a human touch.
Rather than give John Connor a reason to arm himself, we need to develop some way to fully remove humans from the equation. Perhaps only deliver remotely to mutant turtles? I'm not sure... Soylent Pizza has some ideas, but I'm not buying it.
This is just one set of problems. How much do you tip our machine overlords? Won't it work best to have a chip implanted they can just scan to collect money directly from your account? If I can 3D print a pizza, why would I pay you to do so for me and send it THROUGH THE AIR? Won't the airflow necessarily mean my pizza will be delivered cold? Will rival pizza companies arm their drones preemptively to shoot down the Dominators, leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth about the pizza Domino's never delivered?
Okay, that's enough puns for now. I'll be back.
I think the moral implications of putting 17 year old boys out of work and replacing them with robots are obvious. But just in case you don't make the same leaps I do, let me spell them out.
Teenage boys are good at two things. Being horny and causing destructive mischief. I know this not just because I was one, but actually knew many. We are all the same; prank calling pizzas to your house, trying to take your daughter someplace alone, bashing mailboxes from automobiles. The list goes on, but I think you get it.
So, now without his hard earned pizza money (mine was from now bankrupt favorite, Pizza World out of Normal, Illinois.) The poor teen boy can no longer afford a vehicle or gas to bash your mailbox, has no way of taking your daughter on a date and the voice at Domino's sounds like Dr. Hawking. Violence is likely.
That's right. These sexually frustrated and occupationally abandoned boys are going to start attacking drones. Just for sport. For kicks. At first they will be successful too. The unarmed and very basically navigated drones will be easy prey. So they will be upgraded.
The ability to dodge and reroute themselves comes first of course. Then better defenses as the sport becomes too enthusiastic. Ultimately armed drones will deliver pizza and death throughout the suburbs.
The manufacturer of these drones (I imagine named something like CyberDyner) will construct PieNet, the first Artificial Intelligence capable of delivering everything except extra anchovies. That still needs a human touch.
Rather than give John Connor a reason to arm himself, we need to develop some way to fully remove humans from the equation. Perhaps only deliver remotely to mutant turtles? I'm not sure... Soylent Pizza has some ideas, but I'm not buying it.
This is just one set of problems. How much do you tip our machine overlords? Won't it work best to have a chip implanted they can just scan to collect money directly from your account? If I can 3D print a pizza, why would I pay you to do so for me and send it THROUGH THE AIR? Won't the airflow necessarily mean my pizza will be delivered cold? Will rival pizza companies arm their drones preemptively to shoot down the Dominators, leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth about the pizza Domino's never delivered?
Okay, that's enough puns for now. I'll be back.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
How to ACTUALLY build relationships
I have seen dozens of articles, usually meant for salespeople, on how to build better relationships for success. I agree; success comes from relationships. But the advice includes tidbits like:
"Know your goals"
"Articulate your needs to others"
"Update others on your career success"
"Diversify your network"
Is it just me (no) or are all of those about how to make yourself the center of attention? That is not how to build a relationship, that's how to score a one night stand. And that is an entirely different blog post.
It's a fact: when someone connects with you strongly you like them more and will do more to help them. And if it wasn't a fact before, now this unsubstantiated claim will pave the way. But really, this is the very basis of friendship and family. Connection. Unsurprisingly, much of that connection comes from paying attention.
Look at the person with whom you are speaking. Not at your phone. Nor the clock, the television, whatever distraction is temporarily more important. And look at them with your whole body. Turn towards them. Really direct your attention. Here is a newsflash about important people. They don't need to look at their phone every few seconds. That is a task for an underling. Even without an underling to do so, very little on the other end of a phone requires constant attention.
Here is a related newsflash about being manly. Remember that action movie/western with the real macho hero who had his face buried in a phone? No? It doesn't exist. Neither does the one with the intriguing starlet who just couldn't look up.
I see that fake smile. I am an avid people watcher, and here is something most of you do. You smile when you see someone you know. Or want to know. As soon as they can't see your face, the smile dissolves. That feels insincere to me. Hold onto that smile for a bit. If your face muscles are too tired to do so, consider staying home you lazy scruff. I will go back to the movies for an example. When the two stars realize the other likes them and they smile as they walk away- it doesn't instantly revert to the stony facade they think is necessary to navigate life. Pay attention to this little thing and your life will be happier.
If I notice it, others do as well.
Remember stuff. You know the phrase, (S)he doesn't even know I exist? That's how people feel when you remember nothing of them. Consider these three options:
Heya, how's your, uhm, kids?
Hi buddy, how's your daughter?
Hi Joe, how's your daughter, Stephanie? Did she get that scholarship?
Which (assuming you had a daughter named Stephanie) makes you feel as if the person asking the question really listens to you? In order each shows I like you more and more. Include names, of the person and the connection. Our minds are connection machines, build on existing networks in their brain.
I frequently hear the excuse, "well my memory just isn't good enough for that." Suck it up. Get better.
It's that easy. Pay attention to the other person. Value the other person. That is how a relationship is built, not on your goals.
"Know your goals"
"Articulate your needs to others"
"Update others on your career success"
"Diversify your network"
Is it just me (no) or are all of those about how to make yourself the center of attention? That is not how to build a relationship, that's how to score a one night stand. And that is an entirely different blog post.
It's a fact: when someone connects with you strongly you like them more and will do more to help them. And if it wasn't a fact before, now this unsubstantiated claim will pave the way. But really, this is the very basis of friendship and family. Connection. Unsurprisingly, much of that connection comes from paying attention.
Look at the person with whom you are speaking. Not at your phone. Nor the clock, the television, whatever distraction is temporarily more important. And look at them with your whole body. Turn towards them. Really direct your attention. Here is a newsflash about important people. They don't need to look at their phone every few seconds. That is a task for an underling. Even without an underling to do so, very little on the other end of a phone requires constant attention.
Here is a related newsflash about being manly. Remember that action movie/western with the real macho hero who had his face buried in a phone? No? It doesn't exist. Neither does the one with the intriguing starlet who just couldn't look up.
I see that fake smile. I am an avid people watcher, and here is something most of you do. You smile when you see someone you know. Or want to know. As soon as they can't see your face, the smile dissolves. That feels insincere to me. Hold onto that smile for a bit. If your face muscles are too tired to do so, consider staying home you lazy scruff. I will go back to the movies for an example. When the two stars realize the other likes them and they smile as they walk away- it doesn't instantly revert to the stony facade they think is necessary to navigate life. Pay attention to this little thing and your life will be happier.
If I notice it, others do as well.
Remember stuff. You know the phrase, (S)he doesn't even know I exist? That's how people feel when you remember nothing of them. Consider these three options:
Heya, how's your, uhm, kids?
Hi buddy, how's your daughter?
Hi Joe, how's your daughter, Stephanie? Did she get that scholarship?
Which (assuming you had a daughter named Stephanie) makes you feel as if the person asking the question really listens to you? In order each shows I like you more and more. Include names, of the person and the connection. Our minds are connection machines, build on existing networks in their brain.
I frequently hear the excuse, "well my memory just isn't good enough for that." Suck it up. Get better.
It's that easy. Pay attention to the other person. Value the other person. That is how a relationship is built, not on your goals.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Ways Google Glass could make the world better
This is what I should see when I look through Glass:
At a drive-through, I want to see the accuracy percentage of the crew. That way I can check the bag if needed before pulling one foot forward.
When I meet someone, the web history Google is using to sell them stuff, as well as the suggested products. This could be my creepy new friend!
On a view of a license plate, the accident and insurance information of the primary driver of the vehicle. For safety, it's best to avoid stupid people.
Why on Earth would Glass not allow me to see as though through a telescope, microscope, nightvision, thermal imagery and so forth? Krypton Glass!
They should dim in bright light. I have glasses that do that. Dorky but darn convenient.
They should detect things I am about to step in and warn me. Puddle! Crap! Bad Relationship!
When I see beautiful sights it should automatically overlay it with inspirational nonsense. Like, "Every sunset brings a new sunrise." Or, "She's looking at you. You should introduce yourself."
Instant counting: Be your own Rainman! When it sees groups of like objects, the computer should count them for you. 247 nickels. Definitely. Definitely 247 good ideas.
Translations. Seriously. Can't it make everything I read and hear in a language I understand? Like Space Pirate? Arrr, tis the shiniest mind nugget this sid'a the verse. (That's what your text speak nonsense looks like to me, ya bilge rat.)
You ever find yourself talking to a downright homely person? Can't we have an overlay for that? With autodetection, obviously. (Warning, if drinking this is dangerous.)
A warning radar when other Glass users are in the area. That way I can delete my internet history. And put some clothes on.
Missile warning system. Well not exactly, but at least something that tells me instantly when I am being stalked online. Very nice when I can also see by whom.
Breathalyzer notification. "She's drunk enough to find me charming." Or "Make sure this person gets home safely."
Recipes. Food, cocktails, whatever. When I open the fridge and it sees my ingredients it could at least make a suggestion: "Hello Jason, perhaps a Fuzzy Navel? You can use one part lemonade, one part orange juice, and one part peach schnapps." Imagine the trips to the cupboard (waiting for your standards to lower) that will be saved.
If I can overlay the person, I should be able to overlay the whole day. I could make it look like a comic strip. Or a Peter Max painting. Or a Bogart film. Wait, you know what they say to do if you are nervous about speaking in front of a group- that.
The map of the mall is great. But really, where is my car? GPS power, activate!
Oh and I know you were on my face when I set my keys down. (Google Glass was, not you dear reader) Bring up a picture of that for me please.
With one simple caption and facial recognition software, I never again have to have that, "What's his name?" feeling again.
Guys, you know that feeling when you are looking a woman in the eyes listening to the entire conversation, and those eyes turn out to be breasts? Don't do that, just recall it later.
A rolling display of my schedule and other possible excuses that appear when someone asks me to do something. Not that I won't help, but options would be nice.
And the ear end of the temple should magnify sound when requested. More importantly, opposite frequency sound cancellation. Like a "Shut up" switch that doesn't make my hand sting.
Also, reminds me when to Shut Up.
At a drive-through, I want to see the accuracy percentage of the crew. That way I can check the bag if needed before pulling one foot forward.
When I meet someone, the web history Google is using to sell them stuff, as well as the suggested products. This could be my creepy new friend!
On a view of a license plate, the accident and insurance information of the primary driver of the vehicle. For safety, it's best to avoid stupid people.
Why on Earth would Glass not allow me to see as though through a telescope, microscope, nightvision, thermal imagery and so forth? Krypton Glass!
They should dim in bright light. I have glasses that do that. Dorky but darn convenient.
They should detect things I am about to step in and warn me. Puddle! Crap! Bad Relationship!
When I see beautiful sights it should automatically overlay it with inspirational nonsense. Like, "Every sunset brings a new sunrise." Or, "She's looking at you. You should introduce yourself."
Instant counting: Be your own Rainman! When it sees groups of like objects, the computer should count them for you. 247 nickels. Definitely. Definitely 247 good ideas.
Translations. Seriously. Can't it make everything I read and hear in a language I understand? Like Space Pirate? Arrr, tis the shiniest mind nugget this sid'a the verse. (That's what your text speak nonsense looks like to me, ya bilge rat.)
You ever find yourself talking to a downright homely person? Can't we have an overlay for that? With autodetection, obviously. (Warning, if drinking this is dangerous.)
A warning radar when other Glass users are in the area. That way I can delete my internet history. And put some clothes on.
Missile warning system. Well not exactly, but at least something that tells me instantly when I am being stalked online. Very nice when I can also see by whom.
Breathalyzer notification. "She's drunk enough to find me charming." Or "Make sure this person gets home safely."
Recipes. Food, cocktails, whatever. When I open the fridge and it sees my ingredients it could at least make a suggestion: "Hello Jason, perhaps a Fuzzy Navel? You can use one part lemonade, one part orange juice, and one part peach schnapps." Imagine the trips to the cupboard (waiting for your standards to lower) that will be saved.
If I can overlay the person, I should be able to overlay the whole day. I could make it look like a comic strip. Or a Peter Max painting. Or a Bogart film. Wait, you know what they say to do if you are nervous about speaking in front of a group- that.
The map of the mall is great. But really, where is my car? GPS power, activate!
Oh and I know you were on my face when I set my keys down. (Google Glass was, not you dear reader) Bring up a picture of that for me please.
With one simple caption and facial recognition software, I never again have to have that, "What's his name?" feeling again.
Guys, you know that feeling when you are looking a woman in the eyes listening to the entire conversation, and those eyes turn out to be breasts? Don't do that, just recall it later.
A rolling display of my schedule and other possible excuses that appear when someone asks me to do something. Not that I won't help, but options would be nice.
And the ear end of the temple should magnify sound when requested. More importantly, opposite frequency sound cancellation. Like a "Shut up" switch that doesn't make my hand sting.
Also, reminds me when to Shut Up.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Dating vs. Recruiting: How to fill two birds with one stone
In many of my classes I explain how important it is to consider dating and recruiting to be EXACTLY alike. And recruiting is sales in TWO directions. A person to a company and a company to a person. One bird here is dating, and the other is sales. I'll be the rock. Not The Rock, that's taken.
So let's draw some connections and use the caps lock a few more times. In this first entry I will talk about the job posting. This is (of course) an advertisement for a job. I am generally opposed to posting jobs, yet I met my girlfriend through Craigslist. So please, deal with the hypocrisy. And don't judge.
Step 1. Place the advertisement in a the right location. Swedishjanitors.com may have free job postings, but your ideal Manufacturing Engineer does NOT look for jobs there. Likewise, throwing on that little black dress to clean your house only works if you want to date your roommate or the creepy guy who looks in your windows. He says hi.
Step 2. Stop yelling. Honestly people. I think the thought process going on in a job posting or even an online dating ad must be, "If I use all caps, I will stand out!" Picture if you will a pretty woman sitting in her little black dress all alone in a smoky jazz bar. A man, call him "Jason," has met her eyes and smiled a few times. He then comes over with a little swagger in his walk and bellows, "HI I"M JASON, IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?" Yup, I can stand out too.
Step 3. Describe yourself (and therefore your position/product whatever) is the most commonly used terms.Yes I am both altitudinous and erudite, yet still delightfully jocular. When someone looks for their ideal date they may run a search for tall, well-educated and funny. Your product description can't be oddly specific in a way only used internally. I found hundreds of current job postings today for "shop technician 2." Which is what?
Step 4. Open Strong. "Is this seat taken? I don't bite... unless it's called for." Your opening in any sales situation is crucial. In my office we frequently use the phrase, "talked himself out of a job." This happens when a candidate that was doing fine keeps talking until they say too much. It is the Peter Principle applied to conversation.You must open strong, be specific, then SHUT UP. I could write an entire post on the power of shutting up.
Step 5. Be honest. If you are only interested in dating 70+ inch tall ballerinas who have a degree in chemistry, that needs to be stated in your "product needs." Otherwise you end up with 69 inch dancers who studied anatomy and what would you do with them? If you go look at personal ads (or job ads) both often fail to describe the role in honest, detailed terms. If the job requires the person to stare at a screen for 80% of the day, inputting data- why emphasis the need for a team player? You will just hire a team player, who will be miserable. I don't like long walks on the beach. Nor do I claim to. Long lounges on the beach with drinks? I'm in.
Step 6. I never said be yourself. We all put our best foot forward when dating, interviewing, describing the job. That is fine. I can be irritable, condescending, domineering, sweet, patient and charming. Dating should reveal a mix of that, but tempered. And by tempered I mean again, SHUT UP. The job description nor the blog post should go so long as to lose interest. That's why this is just Vol 1.
So let's draw some connections and use the caps lock a few more times. In this first entry I will talk about the job posting. This is (of course) an advertisement for a job. I am generally opposed to posting jobs, yet I met my girlfriend through Craigslist. So please, deal with the hypocrisy. And don't judge.
Step 1. Place the advertisement in a the right location. Swedishjanitors.com may have free job postings, but your ideal Manufacturing Engineer does NOT look for jobs there. Likewise, throwing on that little black dress to clean your house only works if you want to date your roommate or the creepy guy who looks in your windows. He says hi.
Step 2. Stop yelling. Honestly people. I think the thought process going on in a job posting or even an online dating ad must be, "If I use all caps, I will stand out!" Picture if you will a pretty woman sitting in her little black dress all alone in a smoky jazz bar. A man, call him "Jason," has met her eyes and smiled a few times. He then comes over with a little swagger in his walk and bellows, "HI I"M JASON, IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?" Yup, I can stand out too.
Step 3. Describe yourself (and therefore your position/product whatever) is the most commonly used terms.Yes I am both altitudinous and erudite, yet still delightfully jocular. When someone looks for their ideal date they may run a search for tall, well-educated and funny. Your product description can't be oddly specific in a way only used internally. I found hundreds of current job postings today for "shop technician 2." Which is what?
Step 4. Open Strong. "Is this seat taken? I don't bite... unless it's called for." Your opening in any sales situation is crucial. In my office we frequently use the phrase, "talked himself out of a job." This happens when a candidate that was doing fine keeps talking until they say too much. It is the Peter Principle applied to conversation.You must open strong, be specific, then SHUT UP. I could write an entire post on the power of shutting up.
Step 5. Be honest. If you are only interested in dating 70+ inch tall ballerinas who have a degree in chemistry, that needs to be stated in your "product needs." Otherwise you end up with 69 inch dancers who studied anatomy and what would you do with them? If you go look at personal ads (or job ads) both often fail to describe the role in honest, detailed terms. If the job requires the person to stare at a screen for 80% of the day, inputting data- why emphasis the need for a team player? You will just hire a team player, who will be miserable. I don't like long walks on the beach. Nor do I claim to. Long lounges on the beach with drinks? I'm in.
Step 6. I never said be yourself. We all put our best foot forward when dating, interviewing, describing the job. That is fine. I can be irritable, condescending, domineering, sweet, patient and charming. Dating should reveal a mix of that, but tempered. And by tempered I mean again, SHUT UP. The job description nor the blog post should go so long as to lose interest. That's why this is just Vol 1.
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